The Pursuit of Perfection

38: Nancy

The next day I don't leave my room. I have a bathroom on suite, and I am perfectly accustomed to not eating. I hear Harry's footsteps walk by more than once, and him pause in front of my door nearly every time, but there is no knock. I know his footsteps but I can't shake the feeling I don't know him.

When there finally is a knock at my door, I decide to open it, it's not Harry, the foot falls are too light. I'm guessing it's Ana, but as I open the door, it's Nancy.

"Hello," She says to me, looking a little awkward.

"Hi," I say.

She has a plate of food in her hand. "I thought you might be hungry," She explains.

I nod, and open the door a little wider. She walks in and sets the plate on the table next to my bed. She stands still for a moment, and then surprises me by sitting down on my bed. She looks at me and pats the spot next to her.

"Could we talk?" She asks.

"About what?" I ask.

"He's unhappy." Nancy tells me, "Or, maybe that's not the right word, because I've seen him unhappy, and this is just different...he's morose. But even then I don't believe that's severe enough."

"I don't care." I say.

"I know you don't." She says. I like that she doesn't try to tell me that I do care. "But sometimes it helps to know."

"You must hate me." I say.

"No." She says, "No...no" There is a pause and an intake of breath, "I'm not happy Harry's miserable, but I do admire you."

I laugh, but it's short and void of humor. "For what? Breaking your son like you never could?" The words are out before I can think about them and I close my mouth quickly after they escape. I look at Nancy and she looks at me.

Nancy does't acknowledge what I said.  "For standing up for yourself like that." She says, "For not being afraid."

"Harry's not scary." I say.

"Afraid to lose him." Nancy clarifies. "I wish I was like that at your age."

"You're still afraid to lose him." I say, once again, without thinking.

Nancy smiles, but it's sad. "I am."

There is a short, awkward pause and then Nancy starts talking. "I thought it was right. All of it. I thought, I thought he would thank me later, for being like I was...and then, then he tried to kill himself. And I couldn't even look at him, because I was so ashamed of myself. I couldn't imagine how I could have driven him to that. His suicide note the maid found, it was blaming his father and me. And I always have Ana around, which I know he hates, but I'm always just so scared, Isabel, I'm always so scared to lose him."

I look at Nancy, none of what she said was what I expected.

"And it's wrong, isn't it..." Nancy's crying, she hurries to brush away the tears, "I didn't tell him I had cancer...but it's because I didn't want him to come back like he is now. I didn't want him to come back to say goodbye..." And then she's lost it, full on sobs.

I reach out and I hug her. I don't know what else to do.

"And I'm always going to lose him." Nancy says, her voice shaky but composed, "Because I was so wrong through his childhood. I admire you Isabel, because you're right often enough that when you need to fight back it's respected. I was always wrong...always wrong...oh God, I mean, how couldn't I have known? How couldn't I have known that who I wanted him to be was so much less important than him being happy?"

"I don't know," I tell her, "But everything seems clearer looking back." I say, trying to comfort her in some way.

"I should have known," She says, pulling away to look me in the eyes. He mascara is running, and in this moment Nancy Watson looks imperfect, and to me, she becomes human. "I should have known," She says, "He was my son, my only son, I only had one baby to take care of and I couldn't do that..."

"He'll forgive you." I say.

"No," Nancy says, "Maybe he will in twenty years, but I'll be long gone. And I'll have lost him again."

Nancy is sitting up straight now, recomposing herself. "Why don't you just make the best of the time you do have with him now?" I ask. "Maybe he'll come around faster than you think?"

Nancy gives me a rueful smile, "We both know my son, Isabel, and we both know that's not true."

"Clearly neither of us know him as well as we thought," I correct, "So anything is possible."

Nancy looks at me for a moment and then nods. "Maybe."

"Just try it."

"And what about you?" Nancy asks.

I look at her and shrug, "I don't know."

"Would you really leave him?" She asks, her voice void of judgement, just curious, like she's trying to figure out mine and Harry's relationship. I can't blame her, I'm trying to figure it out too.

"We are fire and gasoline..." I pause, and then shake my head at the overused cliche, "No, actually we're atomic bombs during the Cold War. We're both waiting for the other to launch a nuke and then for mutually assured destruction." I look at her.

"It can't be that bad." She says.

"No, it's great." I say, "He's so great...until he's not...until he closes me off, or until I close him off, and then we're in this arms race to who's going to crack first and then we're good again, trying to save ourselves from explosion." I hold my hands up in front of me like I'm trying to grasp for something. I hear the exasperation in my voice.

Nancy just looks at me fore a while and then nods. "Maybe if you give it time it will be different than you think?" She asks.

"Maybe."  I say. "But then how long until it happens again?" I ask, "It used to be me who caused all the problems, and it was only when I got out of the way that I started to see Harry's problems. And I feel like he doesn't want to work through them with me."

Nancy nods, "And I have to take blame for that."

I nod, "Yeah, but he's also twenty six. So he has a say in how he acts too."

"Don't be too hard on him." Nancy says.

"If I'm not who will be?" I ask.

At this she pauses, and I can tell she wants to say something, but doesn't know what.

"He had to be hard on me." I say, remembering being called out for being ambivalent with him, and every dinner I was forced to eat. "He just has to be able to handle when it's dished out the other way."

"I hope he can."

"He'll be fine either way." I say.

"No," Nancy says, "He won't."

I look over at her.

Nancy shakes her head and then changes the subject. "Tomorrow I'm having a pool party for all of our friends. Why don't you come. Get out of the house, get some sun, it will be good. I have a bathing suit you can wear too." She says, "And just...maybe just talk to him?"

"Maybe." I say, but I don't mean it. Harry and I aren't healthy.

Nancy smiles, and then hugs me, before leaving the room. I look over at the plate of food she left. I pick at it a little bit, and then I just go to bed.