Dead Inside

Chapter 4

A/N: This is a story for suicide prevention, no matter how bad things get you deserve a future, so you can carry out all the things you dreamed as a child. Things will get bad, but they will get better. Life will never be perfect, but we have to live for the good days, the genuine smiles, the warm fuzzy feeling you get when you are loved. Everyone deserves their shot at happiness. Stay Alive.

She just needed to follow through. She suddenly felt heavy, like she was dragging a weight. Her hands broke out into a cold sweat. Out of no where she heaved forward, and everything went black. The black out only lasted a minute and when she came back to consciousness she was on her knees. She stood, slowly, shakily up.

She needed to get home. She sprinted down the sidewalk stretch that led to her house. Her heart hurt a little but she kept on running.

She catched her breath at the front of the neighborhood. Her throat made a wrenching noise and then she started throwing up. She hadn't really ate anything so she didn't know what she was barfing up. Still, it stained the white cement. This happened last time she seriously thought about commiting suicide. It was like her nervous system was combating against her demons.

She braced herself, gripping onto her knees. She digged her fingernails into her skin. She closed her eyes and took in a few deep breaths. In, out, in, out. Ok, ok she was fine. She had a serious decision to make. She had to really think about this. This was a bigger decision than picking your job or getting married, this was the end of everything. As much as she wanted to rush this decision, she couldn't be reckless. She had already considered she would escape from. What would she leave behind?

She started to walk again, passing houses that she had walked by hundreds of times. She would leave behind memories. Who would remeber her? Her teachers would, but she was more of a burden anyways. Ryan and Will would, but she had only talked to them for one day, so they probably wouldn't care much. She would leave behind a sketch book full of art and a diary filled with words. She would leave a dead corpse with ink drawings all over her skin. She would leave her mom.

Her throat got really tight and breathing started to hurt. The thought hung in the air. She would leave her mom. She would be all alone, with a deceased husband and daughter. The thought that her mom would miss her, even if no one else did was almost enough. Still, she didn't want to continue. Every day was another insecurity another wave of depression. Each day the problems piled on. Nothing got better, it only got worse.

When she got home, she went straight to the shed. She had to stand on her tiptoes to get the rope. After a few minutes of tugging, it fell to the ground with a thud. She dragged it behind her. Here we go. She tied it to the light fixture on her ceiling. She fashioned a slip not noose, big enough for her neck. She made herself a void. A void of emotion. A void of thoughts. She dragged a chair from the kitchen into her room. She sat down on the chair and fashioned the noose tight to her neck. She would go on three.

"One," she counted. She eyed paper and pens on her desk. She should have written a suicide note, to leave her mom with something. But it was too late, because if she went to write one she would chicken out. Her mom would find her diary, under her pillow. That would be enough. "Two." She felt the itchy rope around her neck. She could hear her clock ticking. She could taste the saliva in her mouth. She could smell the sweat from her jog home. She took in her last glimpse of the world. Her room, her baby blue hair, the sun outside her window. "Three." She began to stand up, and she could feel the rope starting to choke her, cutting off her circulation.

A knock on the door. Footsteps. Someone was saying something that she could barely hear. Her mom burst through the door. Their eyes locked just as her feet begun to lift off the chair. She was going to die in front of her mother's eyes. She couldn't do it. She was a baby. She was pathetic, but she couldn't go out like this. It happened so fast. Her mom undid the knot, and she fell to the ground tackling over the chair.

She was gagging and blood came out with each cough. Her mom ran to the sink and gave her a glass of water, "My baby," she said in between sobs. Her mom held her close as she drank big gulps of water.