May I Call This a Memoir?

{3} M

He put me in this state of pain. It was no longer emotional, but full physical. I should have stopped crying now, but I just can't. I don't know if you feel some sort of gross pleasure from this torture. I don't think he will ever understand what he did to me.

You are disgusting. Utterly disturbing. 

You went away and you came back and it was all over. I had a gut feeling. I knew that if you had gone away for even a week, you would be so far gone that I wouldn't be able to find you even if I put my life on it. You found someone better.

Someone prettier.

Someone smarter.

Someone better than me. 

I guess I was good enough, but then you found better than good enough. There is only one thing I want you to promise me: 

Never put anyone is the sort of pain that you put me in. 

I wrote that after he broke up with me, when I was in the most pain I had ever been in in my life. Back then, I believed that nothing would ever get better because that's how it felt. I know that even if someone told him the sort of pain he put me in, he still wouldn't understand. No, because he didn't have to feel it. He moved on to the next girl and I was nothing. He avoided me and would never look me in the face. 

I was strong. I was the strongest person that I knew, but he broke me. I was constantly having breakdowns because of him. I was crying to the point of feeling that I couldn't breath and this time, my asthma inhaler couldn't help.

Often, I wanted him to feel this pain. I wanted him to know how long I had to go through this for. 

When I heard about heartbreak, I didn't think it would be this terrible. Even the movies and songs I saw and listened to never describe it to be that terrible. That's when I realized it. My heartbreak morphed into depression and anxiety. I didn't know it at the time, but I remember my family thinking that I went mentally insane. I remember crying about everything. I couldn't concentrate on anything, I nearly failed all my classes. 

At the time, I had really good friends, but they were more interested in each other more than anyone else. 

So, once again, I was alone. 

—BWS❄️