May I Call This a Memoir?

{9} C

He loved me, but I could never return those feelings. He was one of my phases.

You know, I know what he's gone through and is going through. Heartbreak, I mean. In every simplistic way, I know, I know every aspect of it. I've lived it and then relived it again in different and more treacherous ways. It feels like you're dying.  Let me explain: I broke someone's heart. Of course, we never mean to do these things on purpose, but sometimes that's how our life work out even though you got no say in it. That's just it, we don't get a say in how we get to live our lives or what happens to us. He never got a say in how I hurt him, probably because he never expected me to do it. 

I remember the way we used to talk, it was constant. He'd tell me parts of stories and leave out the parts he didn't want me to know. We'd talk even though there was nothing to say. At times, it felt like as if he was the only one who would ever care about me, at least in that way. A boy who'd been through two or three lifetimes of pain. He was broken, hurt and God knows other things. Of course, I knew that since the beginning, but yet for some unknown reason, I stuck around.

 I knew myself that should've left long before I did. I should've left him alone. Among other things, he was so much different than me, an opposite. 

He smoked cigarettes, I have Asthma. 

He snuck out of his house at night, I prefer to stay in my room and watch Grey's Anatomy. 

I read books, yet he hates to. 

In my entire life, I never felt that I did anything terrible enough to be considered a troublesome child. I never snuck out of my house, I was good. This guy, he wasn't and even he knew that too. See, there was something that kept me tied to him that stopped me from leaving. Through my eyes, I didn't find him attractive. His blue eyes were the only thing that could ever grasp my attention. It was wrong of me to not let him go, it was selfish. Maybe, it was the way he'd do anything for me that made me want to stay. He was my safety net, in every other thing that I can think of, that's what he was. He loved me, but I could never return those feelings. Although, I can tell you something about this whole experience, I know that I have never been in love, not like that. I realize that D was using me. I was a mess and he took advantage of that, but C never would, he never did. 

Afterwards, I wrote a letter to give him, a word of closure, but I never gave it to him. He told me to never contact him again, so I didn't. I felt like I Iost my best friend. Everything I had once ever had was gone, my safety net was burned into the dusk of what I would call my past. 

He was one of my phases. I never liked the whole bad boy charisma, but I liked the idea of making him think that he wasn't worthless. I wanted him to at least think that, but, I don't know if I ever got the chance to do that.