Everlong

Nicotine

"It's better to burn than to fade away"

Drip, drip, drip. The faucet in the bathroom in my house (right next to my husband and my bedroom) is dripping and hitting the metal drain cover. As I lay on the floor, with my husband fast asleep in bed, half past midnight on a March day, I feel the coldness of our bedroom wood floor seep up through me.

I put out another cigarette. The lack of all other noises except my husband's breathing creates the same feeling of the Chinese water torture test. Except the water isn't dripping on my face. The back of my head hurts from laying on the wood floor for over an hour. The ashtray next to me is still smoking from the cigarette I put in there last. Let's not burn down the house due to my reliance on nicotine. The rush from both night and morning cigarette drags is incomparable to any other feeling in the world. If I decided to move right now, I'd probably start getting nauseous and puke. Talk about a headrush. Damn. I feel like a lightweight smoker, if that's a thing.

I light another cigarette because have nothing to lose. I take a long drag, French inhale, and hold the smoke in my lungs. One...two...three...four...five. I breathe out. The smell of the cigarette is carried throughout the room via the smoke. I feel lightheaded. I take another drag, without the French inhale. One...two...three...four...five. I breathe out.

I turn my head to the side. The water bottle filled with butts and the nearly filled ashtray just show how things are going. There's about seven empty packs. When will the twenty-something year old kid at the counter at the deli comment? When I go in, I don't just buy a pack or two. It's more like four. Whatever. It's just another sale for them.

Some people rely on better things for their "coping skills". I chose cigarettes, or as my husband calls them, "cancer sticks".

Him and I sit outside our house, on the front step, daily, and have cigarettes. He sits on the top step, next to me, gazing out into the world. He's close enough to me that I can feel his warmth. He always keeps his cigarettes in his jacket pocket or his pants pocket. No matter the time of day, I follow him outside for our almost hourly "cigarette bonding experience". 

My favorite time to follow him outside and have a cigarette is when the sun hits his face. It seems to shine and hit his eyes perfectly, causing him no pain or discomfort. It shows the details in the green eyes of his. They're the eyes of contentment- the eyes that can calm and comfort. They work miracles. The beautiful green eyes belong to a miracle and a miracle worker. He always tries to put one arm around me when we sit outside, whether I'm shivering or really hot. 

I get up off the floor, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, and change into a shirt and a pair of underwear. I walk back to our bedroom, check the clock,(it's 5:49 A.M) get under the covers, and cuddle up next to him. He senses my presence, wraps an arm around me, and pulls me close without even waking up. 

He wakes up with me around 8. Sure beats 5 something. Yuck. He gets in the shower while I lay in bed, staring out the window. The sun is shining. Just about everything crosses my mind. I'm trying so hard to keep the parasitic thoughts out of my head. They'll kill me.

Before you have met the love of your life, you never realize how much you can possibly love a person. Before you meet the person that you truly love, your future seems out of reach. Before you meet them, you never see a point in traveling, but you realize when you have them, you want to see the world with them. You won't understand the significance of every little kiss until you meet your person. Before you meet the person that will change your life, you don't realize how much emotional pain you're willing to go through to fight for them. When the person is in despair, the emotions travel right through you. Before you meet the person who will make you a better person, you don't realize the significance of every single moment with them. Every second seems like a minute, and you enjoy every second that you have with them. Before you meet the person who will give you a reason to wake up in the morning, mornings feel like hell, and you're simply waiting for the next time you can sleep. Finally, being awake is better than dreaming. 

The nicotine rushes to our brains simotaneously as we synchronize our drags in his car. I'm smoking Marlboros. NXTs to be exact. It's been years, and I'm finally able to smoke any kind of Marlboros again. It's our new and improved Marlboro Cologne Collection, mixed with my husband's cologne, one of his many, and the smell of my freshly washed hair. 

And I told myself I wouldn't get over it. Look at me, with a Marlboro cigarette in hand.

Here's to a new life, a new world, and a new beginning... a new life with more love than I can hold in my little heart. Here's to a new life, with added laughs, dry humour and tickle fights. Here's to a new life, with more happiness than our smiles can handle. Here's to a new life, with more positivity than we could dare express to the world. I love you with all of my heart. I'm yours forever if you care to have me as a sidekick in the story of your life.

Here's to a new beginning... 6.7.17