grief // e.d

e.i.g.h.t

Emaleia's POV

"Dude?" Buzzes through Ethan's speaker as he puts the phone up to his ear.

"Where the hell are you and Ema?" It's Gray.

Ethan shifts in his seat, making me instinctively prop myself up, no longer resting my head against his chest.

"Just down the street man, we needed to talk." Ethan uses his free hand to scoop me up closer to him. I succumb to his touch and wrap my arm around his neck which allows him to pull me as close as he pleases.

"When are you guys going to be heading back? Dude, I'm so fuuuuucked," Grayson drags his word out.

Ethan chuckles, "I'll be there Gray."

T H E  N E X T  D A Y

Ethan's POV

I wake up with a pounding headache. Grayson must've heard me getting out of bed because not even a few minutes later he appears at my door, throwing me a bottle of water and a packet of Tylenol.

"I got you man," he laughs, snapping his fingers and pointing my way.

I roll my eyes at him but inevitably my face beams with a grin.

"Thanks Gray," I tear open the little foil packet and fish the pills out, popping them into my mouth and chasing it down with water. Before I even know it the whole bottle was gone. Fuck, I'm so dehydrated. I could really go for some Burger King too. I could have the worst hangover of my life and all I would need to cure it is some greasy food. It works like a charm everytime.

"So," Grayson sighs, making his way to my bed and sitting down, "today's the day."

My breathing hitches.

"I know."

I run a hand through my hair, slightly tugging it at the end. I notice I do that a lot when I'm uncomfortable.

"The whole town is going to be there." He completely avoided eye contact, his eyes stuck on my comforter.

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It was my time to talk. Grayson grabbed my hand and gave me a sad smile as I stood up. I gave him a half smile and make my way to the front of the room.

I took note of the song playing, Freebird. How fitting.

"Beatrice Fullers," I gulp, almost afraid to even look up. I take a peek and look at every face in the crowd. Everyone's eyes were teary, faces wet, including my own.

"She is and will always be the love of my life. I ask myself everyday why this had to happen," I close my eyes. Nothing but images of her are flashing through my mind and I can tell you right down I'll never go through anything as torturous.

I pathetically smile, my hand instinctively reaching up to wipe the tears that are freely falling.

"I will never fucking regret her. If I had the chance to go back, knowing now that it would end like this, I'd still be with her. I know it'd save me from all this pain I feel inside but you know what? I thank God everyday that he even gave me the chance to get to know her, to love her and to hold her,"  I look out to the crowd and see her mom with her hand over her mouth, desperately trying to muffle her sobs the best she can.

"I'm thankful that I got the chance to find out that she couldn't sleep unless she had socks on. However I did question her every night we spent together how the hell that was comfortable." The crowd lets out a small, sad laugh.

"I'm thankful to know that she ordered her burgers with extra pickles. And that she would rip off pieces to dunk in her vanilla milkshake.. I miss hearing her sing cheesy musical songs in the shower. Speaking of that, I'll never forget the night she made me stay up to watch all her favorite musicals. I hate musicals. I don't think I could ever see Grease again without thinking of her, but I'm glad for that. Because this pain I'm feeling is proof that I loved somebody enough to feel this way," I exhale slowly.

"The mixtape she made me for our one year anniversary is still sitting in the CD port of my car. Sometimes, on groggy mornings it'll start automatically playing when I turn the ignition, and for a moment I forget. I expect to look over to the passenger seat, and see her grinning, her messy tousled waves all in her face. . . But then I remember, and it breaks my heart. But yet I still can't bring myself to take the CD out." I shake my head. Maybe I don't take the CD out because I'm scared of forgetting her. Deep down I know that'll never be possible, though.

"There's so many things that remind me of her, and honestly, just seeing or thinking about them has the power to make me break down into tears," I stand in silence, thinking about how to word what I'm going to say next.

"I wish I could wake up one more day to see her peaceful body sleeping next to me. My sheets still smell like her. And, oh god, I'm so terrified for the day her scent fades. I will never stop missing her. This isn't the type of wound that will just magically heal someday. I will just have to learn to live around the gaping hole her absence has left behind." I breathe out. I know this pain will never go away, but fuck I sure do hope it will get easier to deal with. Maybe as time passes I will figure out better coping mechanisms.

"I tried my hardest to treat Bea like the princess I always knew she was, but that doesn't stop my mind from running through the scenarios I could have treated her better. The days I was too tired to get out of bed and see her, the days I spent doing stupid shit when I could have been spending my time with her. I would give anything to have one more day with her, just one more conversation. . . I'm starting to accept that she will always be on my mind and that I will always wonder what we would be doing if she was still here with me."

I look up. I hope you're out there Bea. I hope you can hear me.

"I'm sorry, my one wish will always be you."