The Story of Two Fangirls

Our first meeting

I felt like I was drowning in his eyes... I was falling and falling. Until I woke up in a shock, I was scared awake by my alarm. I slowly realised Clocks by Coldplay was still playing and I turned around to make it stop. I unlocked my phone and checked my notifications.

I only had a few notifications. My latest Instagram post got a few more likes and my sister tagged me in a video on Facebook. And then, out of nowhere I received a WhatsApp message from Seamus. I had almost forgotten we texted each other. It began with a single question on his YouNow liverstream. I asked him if I could meet him and he answered yes. So I sent him a direct message on Instagram so we could chat and talk about where and when to meet. But Seamus thought it would be easier to talk on WhatsApp instead of Instagram so he gave me his phonenumber.

We talked almost every day in the following three months. But the last two weeks we hadn't talked to each other, so I was surprised by his text. I opened it. And suddenly I remebered. Today was the day. I was going to meet Seamus. And out of nowhere I was so excited. My heart was racing and I took a turbo shower and ate my breakfast so fast I almost choked on my toast. I was so happy and I had never been so nervous before. I would meet him at the Markthal in Rotterdam, an indoor food market near by my house.

After breakfast I left my house and while walking to the Markthal I listened to my own playlist of songs. I listened to my favourite songs of Nat and Alex Wolff and Two Door Cinema Club. I was nervous but calm at the same time and I felt weird, but in good way.

I thought about the last three months had been crazy. I hadn't told my parents, my sister or any of my friends about our conversations. My parents had told me I was annoying, talking about Seamus all day... At one point they even had forbidden me to talk about him... The idea made me sad. So no one knew I was going to meet Seamus. I was walking and thought about what could happen. Maybe he was even cuter in real life. This made me feel like a balloon. Floating forward and dreaming about his voice. I was almost there and I hoped he already would be standing in front of the building.

But when I arrived, he wasn't there yet, so I walked to the stairs and sat down. I unlocked my phone and sent him a message 'I'm here. x'.

I waited while listening to my favourite song of Two Door Cinema Club. I waited... for a sound, a voice, a sign... something. After ten minutes I began to worry, maybe he couldn't find it... I opened my WhatsApp and checked if I had sent him the right location. And just when I was about to call him I saw him. He was in his phone and I saw him text someone. He looked up and at that one exact moment my phone buzzed. I looked on my phone and saw a message from Seamus. 'I don't see you...'

I pushed myself up from the stairs and started walking to him. He still hadn't seen me yet.
He was now looking at the Markthal. And looking at his surprised expression I giggled.
And apparently he heard me, because he turned his head to me and smiled.
And again I felt as light as a balloon, floating high above the clouds.
He came walking to me.

'Hey,' he said to me. And I heard myself whisper 'Hi...' back and I blushed. I looked to the ground and I felt his eyes on me. Suddenly I was so nervous... 'Are you okay?' he asked. I looked up from the ground. I hadn't noticed him coming closer and when I looked up, I saw his pure brown eyes looking into mine. It made me feel dizzy. I felt like I was in a bubble, because the next moment I heard myself say to him that I was fine, but it sounded like I was underwater. We stood like that for a few seconds but it felt like hours. It was just me and Seamus. Awkwardly staring in each others eyes. It was just like I had imagined...
And then, out of nowhere...

He kissed me.
His lips softly touching mine. At first it felt like I was going to fall. Falling from the cloud I was floating on. Faster and faster. And then, just like that, boom. I was back on earth again. And exactly at that moment he stopped kissing me.
His face showing fear. He looked terrified by himself. He sat down. Confused.
And I saw the tears in his eyes.
The kiss had lead me back to earth and made myself think clear again.

I saw a tear rolling down his cheek.
He began to cry. Silent at first, but after a few minutes he was crying so hard I couldn't even hear myself breathing.
He kept crying.

I didn't know what to say to him.
I wanted to hug him, but I thought it would make it even more awkward.
So I sat down next to him.
Now he was sobbing.
'Are you okay?' I asked him.
He looked up and stared at me.

'No. No of course I'm not okay. I just kissed you, because I like you. I like you so much, but I'm just a stupid loser. I was too awkward to just tell you. I didn't want to scare you or something. I just let myself go instead of just telling you the truth. I hate myself so much. I'm so sorry for being so random and awkward...'
He started sobbing again.

I was surprised by this.
I didn't know what to say, causing an awkward silence, again. I stared at the ground and tried to think about something that would cheer him up. Seamus was still sobbing and I felt bad for not saying anything.

I shoved closer to him.
I thought of a song.
A song that always made me feel better, not because it was a cheering song, but because it made me feel like I was not the only one who felt like crap sometimes.
And the moment, I heard myself talking.
Or more like singing.

'I can tell just what you want. You don't want to be alo-o-one.'
He looked up and he was now completely silent. I guessed he was a little surprised.
He looked at me and tried to smile through the pain of his tears.
'I understand you...' I said to him.
'I don't want to be alone either. And don't mind that you kissed me. I would have done the exact same thing, but you were faster.'

And there it was again. That awkward silence...
But this time it was okay. Awkward silences are needed in painfull conversations.