Sincerely, Aurora

iv

[in which aurora writes to someone who was once her best friend]

Charlie,                                          [January 24: college year two]

Oh, Charlie, my Charlie, how I miss you. You pester my mind, all of the time. I always think about the time you first moved onto my floor, how you would walk out of your room with a smug smile and shoulders laid back. I had a small crush on you, like a playground crush. I would leave my room to send blank letters and wash clothes that have been washed already just to see you in the halls. I would make it look like a coincidence, just trying to get you to notice me. But you didn’t.

Until one day, you smelled the smoke from my room. You knocked, and I answered, confused. You told me I shouldn’t smoke without something blocking underneath the door or else the dorm advisor would smell and notice. I was high out of my mind but still thanked you. I was surprised you didn’t leave my room, instead, you walked in and grabbed my bong on the table and took a long drag. We ended up smoking and taking a few pills you had on you. I learned then that you sold drugs. Around four in the morning, you told me, “if you need any, just come knocking and I’ll have some for you. We can talk all night, again,” and then you leaned down, kissed me on the cheek and whispered, “goodnight, Aurora.” I was intoxicated as hell but I can still smell the smoke on your breath and hear your words when I think about you.

The next few days, I would think about you at night with a huge grin spread across my face. I told myself I’ll go talk to you again soon, because I yearned to hear your smooth voice again.

So, I did.

I knocked on your door and you greeted me with a smile. You told whoever you were on the phone with, “I gotta go. A better opportunity came knocking through the door.” We smoked again, and you gave me these new drugs. “Try it, its okay. I’ll take care of you,” you said.

We took several lines of coke and we lay in your bed, cuddling and talking about anything and everything. It was my first time with it and I was glad it was with you.

I left in the morning to get ready for my next class that after noon, you kissed my forehead and thanked me. That night, my toes curled on how you made me feel by just talking to me. I couldn’t believe you made my stomach fill with butterflies and made my cheeks blush a rosy red. You were really, something that made my life worth living.

We did that a lot, over the next few months. I would come over, we’d smoke and snort and then talk until the sun came up. It was until one day in your bed, I said things I didn’t mean to.

I told you I loved you, many times. But that was in a friendship kind of way. You would say it back and we’d laugh at the idea of love.

But that night, I told you I fell in love with you. And you caught me.

We made love and cuddled all night.

Now, now here is the part I want apologize for.

I woke up and asked, “What happened last night?” That hurt you so much that it was like I read every single thought on your eyes. I couldn’t remember a thing. It had to be the new drugs you had. You asked me, “did you mean what you said last night?” and I looked at you confused.

Your jaw clenched and you said, “you told me you loved me”. My heart dropped at the mistake I made, knowing how damaged you were and how much love scared you. You screamed profanities and punched holes in the wall. In between your punches and my screaming, you told me that you had fallen for me too. And you remembered it the next morning and still meant it. You told me I was worth the risk and had been in love with me since you moved in. You were the angriest I’d ever seen and it scared me.

I left your room and we didn’t talk for months. I miss you, a lot. I thought I was ready to talk to you but summer came and I was gone most of the time. I would be out late and was never home. When I finally was home, I went to knock on your door, hoping you’d tell me I was the best opportunity. But instead, an older woman answered the door and told me you moved out a month ago.

Charlie, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I couldn’t return your love. My last words for you, Charlie: I love you, but I can’t be in love with you.            

                                                                                                                          Sincerely, Aurora.