Matty Healy Imagines //The 1975//

You are the thing that breaks my shattered heart.

Matty Healy Imagine
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Numb. I've been emotionally dry for 2 months and 3 days. Pure despair is what fills my chest.
Have you ever been so depressed that you feel the heaviness in your chest that makes you cut off all motivation and love? Because that's what I'm experiencing.

The love of my life, the literal air to my lungs is so close yet so far out of reach. I used to hate when people claimed they couldn't live without their partner, because obviously logically they can. I always thought they were being dramatic. But I can tell you now. It's true. Knowing the man I love most doesn't want to even see me makes me feel so ... worthless.

I know there is a part of me that hates being so vulnerable , and dependent. But I didn't realise the effect he could have until he left me.

That's why I'm parked outside of our... his house. I have to see him, I'm afraid that if I can't have him, I will continue to block out everyone in my life, until I'm alone and gone. I feel completely helpless.

Walking to the front door awakens total sadness as I see my name on the letterbox painted over , leaving just Matty's name standing alone.

I didn't even realise I had knocked on the door until I see the door swing open revealing those once warm chocolate brown eyes.

"Matty" I breathe , silently praying he won't shut the door back in my face. "I want to talk to you" I said more sure of myself this time.

Slight anger starts to build as I comprehend he knowingly broke my heart and left me after 3 years with no explanation.

"Come in" he gestured hesitantly although he seemed eager to listen to what I had to say next.

"Can I just say, Matthew , how fūcking dare you" I say blatantly as I turn around to face him, tears fighting to form.

"Listen Y/N, I know how I ended things weren't right, I was a coward , I was selfish , and I should have taken more care of your feelings , I know it must have been hard for you but..."

"Hard?" I cut him off . "Do you have any idea what state I've been in without you? I literally can't function" I choke hoping he gets it through his skull that he means more to me than he knows. " the fact I have to drive here and tell you this is insane, you didn't even tell me why you left " I exclaim trying to catch my breath.

"Because telling you would have hurt you more than just letting you go" he said calmly as he watched me wipe tears from my eyes . A look of sadness starting to etch on his face.

"Hurt me more? Matty after 3 years, you sat me down and told me you didn't love me, that I should leave and cut all connections with you" I laughed at how blatant the statement was. " you didn't even give me a reason, I love you Matty , so fūcking much. But you didn't even care enough to see me out of the door." I finish , looking at him . His perfect face showing pure sadness I wish he would have at least shown the night he left me.

" Oh obviously I love you Y/N , I just said I didn't so you'd be more likely to leave." He said agitated, running his hand through his hair.

" well if you love me why ..."

"Because I cheated on you. Multiple times" he said blankly , looking at me dead in the eye before walking closer to my frozen body.

I couldn't even speak. His love for me was so strong and poetic, I don't understand how it's evolved into this.

I never removed my gaze from his , tears falling but my expression of shock not changing. He just looked at me helpless, there was nothing he could do to stop how I was feeling.

"Why?" Is all I could reply. I stood still. The numbness taking over again. Tears stopped flowing.

"I mean, there's no valid reason I could give you to make any of this any less shïtty than it already is. I was using Y/N. cocaine to be specific. I know that you were so proud of me when I stopped last year , so when I started again, I couldn't bring myself to tell you, and every time I got high I was surrounded by women, I couldn't help myself, you didn't cross my mind once when I was out being unfaithful. Which I'd like to blame on the drugs but I'm sure that won't help my case. I didn't want to tell you any of this Y/N. So I broke up with you, believe it or not it was because I love you that I left you, I broke myself, and I would only drag you along with me in the dirt if I allowed myself to stay with you. You deserve better than me." He told me, tears falling on to his cheeks , he slowly walked over to me , looking down on me, before kneeling infront of me and resting his head on my lower stomach, small sobs leaving his slightly shaking body." I'm so so sorry baby" he cried into my shirt.

I didn't think my already shattered heart could break even more. But it did. Completely heart broken watching the strong steel like man I love crumble infront of me . I kneel down also, holding his face in my hands wiping away his tears while I allow mine to dry on my neck.
"Matty, you know, if you would have just told me about the drugs, I could have helped you, I wouldn't have left you, you're the love of my life and the fact you think I wouldn't support you through anything is crazy. Please let me help you Matty, I hate seeing you broken." I told him holding his face in one hand and stroking his hair with my other, watching his watery eyes wander to mine.

"I tore you apart Y/N , and I'll do it again." He told me as he rested his hand on my wrist beside his cheek.

"You won't , because I'm going to help you and you're going to love me like I love you." I replied , rather telling myself than him.

"I will always love you Y/N ,through anything I will always love you." He whispered before softly placing his lips on mine.

This feeling is what I've craved. Him holding me, opening up and letting me in.

"I love you more than anything Matty, I love you more than anything."