If He Only Knew

Twin Time

I was seriously confused at this point. First, Jai went off on me and broke down crying. Them, suddenly he wanted me to stay in his room with him. Usually, he didn't want me near him out of fear of what I would do.

I glanced up at him in concern only for him to look away. Obviously, he had been looking at me, but I'm not sure why. He busied himself with playing with his fingers, his sketch pad thrown to the side. He was nervous. That was obvious.

I felt a headache coming on as I threw my laptop to the side. I brought my fingers up to my head and slowly started massaging my temples. I was overall frustrated. Frustrated about how much of a monster I was, and the effect it had on Jai. Frustrated that my twin was suicidal and I couldn't do anything to help him.

"Luke..." Jai said my name and I looked up questioningly. "Never mind."

"What is it, Jai?" I sighed. He brought his hand up to his mouth to play with his lip nervously, causing his sleeve to slip down slightly. I noticed the red lines that littered his wrist, but forced myself to look away. "Do you need to tell me anything?"

"I don't know." Jai answered, bringing his arm down and fixing his sleeve. I made eye contact with him, hoping he would just tell me something. "I just...I don't know."

"Jai," I started, moving from my spot on the floor and joining my twin on his bed. "Is there a reason you wanted me to stay in here with you?"

"I just can't be alone right now." He answered after a minute. "And I tried opening up to Beau, but he ended up slapping me and telling me he didn't want to hear it."

"I'm sure-" I started to say that Beau didn't mean it like that, but he quickly interrupted me.

"I'm sorry!" He exclaimed. "I know you don't like me that much and you probably wish that I had never been born, but you're my last resort. I have no one else and I really need someone right now."

"What are you talking about? I love being your twin!"

"I'm not in the mood for your jokes, Luke! I'm being serious right now." Jai screamed. I was surprised. Why was it so hard for him to believe me?

"That's why I'm not joking." I let out quietly. "I know I've been a huge jerk in the past, but now I'm really regretting that. If I could take it back, I would, but I can't."

"All this time, I've been wondering what I'd ever done to deserve it. I had to have done something." Jai started to cry. I bit my lip, unsure of what to do. I wanted to hug him, but it had been years since I had willingly hugged him off camera. I slowly slipped my arms around his thin frame, careful to not startle him. "What are you doing!?"

"Hugging my twin brother." I mumbled. He looked hesitant at first, but then he melted into it and slowly hugged me back. "I'm sorry, Jai."

"S'okay." He mumbled back. Out of the cornea of my eye, I saw his destroyed arm again. Should I say something? No. He's having a bad enough day. I don't need to make it worse.

Jai eventually fell asleep on my shoulder, so I decided to sit there and get lost in my thoughts. I'm an awful person. Jai's behavior today was proof of that. He was just so broken today, and I didn't know how to deal with that.

I laid him back on his bed, careful not to wake him. In the process, his sleeve had rolled up again revealing the damage he had inflicted on himself. I sucked in a breathe at the sight. It was horrible to look at. I reached out and gently touched his arm, careful not to wake him. He flinched in his sleep at the touch.

"Jai-Jai, what have you become?" I sighed out. I fell back down next to my twin and fell asleep next to him. What I didn't realize, was that I forgot to roll Jai's sleeve back up.
-
"Luke wake up." I was shaken awake by my twin. "You need to go to sleep in your own room." He refused to make eye contact with me as I left the room. I quickly his in the hallway, knowing what he was about to do.

"Hey video diary. It's been awhile, hasn't it?" I heard Jai ask. "I had a complete mental breakdown today. I was just talking to Luke and then, BAM! I think I almost gave Beau a heart attack. I was hugging him like it was the last time I'd ever see him, and who knows, it could be."

I really hope not.

"I haven't clung to him in years. Even Luke was terrified. He even apologized for the way he's treated me all this time. I never expected that, but then again I'm pretty sure he knows I cut."

How did he know I know?! I was being so careful.

"We fell asleep on my bed today, and when I woke up my sleeve was rolled up. It could've happened in my sleep, but somehow I just know that it was Luke. It might be a twin thing, I don't know."

Stupid twin telepathy.

"But, if he does then why hasn't he said anything? Does he really not care about me destroying my body? I figured he'd at least care about that."

I do care. More than anything, Jai. You have no idea.

"Maybe I'm just not worth it....thanks for listening, video diary."

I didn't want to confront Jai about his self-harm, but at this point I knew that I had to. In some weird way, it seemed like Jai wanted me to confront him about it. He wanted my help now, and I was going to make sure he got it.