If He Only Knew

Shh

"Luke? Please." Jai cried. I knew this was stressing him out, but it was something I had to confront him about. There was only about three and a half months before his suicide date. Time was wearing down, so I had to do something to stop it.

"No. Jai, I love you so much. I'm sorry that I caused you to start hurting yourself like this." I apologized and dropped his arm. His eyes found a sudden glint in them and the next thing I knew, Jai was holding me down and punching me. I didn't fight back. I deserved this and much more.

"Don't take all of the credit." Jai chuckled darkly. "I know you get some joy from this. I did this to myself and it doesn't have a thing to do with you. You have no right to confront me about this. After all, what did you do to me at this lake when we were 8 years old?"

"I regret drowning you, I swear!" I screamed up at him. He didn't believe me though. He didn't want to. He was in so much pain that he was beyond caring.

"Save it Luke. What do you even want from me?" I felt his fat tears start to drip onto my face and I took that chance to roll us over to where I was sitting on top of him instead.

"I want my baby brother to be happy and to love himself!" I whispered down to him. I knew shouting right now would not help anyone. "I don't want him self-harming, though. If I woke up to find him gone, I'd probably follow him." Jai's eyes widened at my words and I realized then that what I said had finally gotten to him.

"You can't mean that, Luke. Stop messing with me." Jai wouldn't make eye contact with me and I realized he was probably thinking about December 2nd. I rolled off my twin and sat on the ground next to him. He had a glazed over look to his eyes, like he was deep in thought.

"I mean it more than I've ever meant anything before."

"Prove it." Jai sat up and retrieved his phone from his pocket. He popped off his phone case only for a blood-stained razor to fall out of the back. My eyes widened. How bad was he if he had to carry one with him constantly. "What's wrong? Can't do it?"

"I can do it. I'll show you!" I grabbed the razor from his and rolled up my own sleeve. Was I really going to do this? Yes, if it meant saving my twin brother's life. I put the razor down onto my wrist and bit my lip as I started pressing into the skin. It hurt really bad and I hadn't even drawn blood yet. I started trying to press down more, but Jai grabbed the blade from me and put it back in his phone case.

"Sorry, Luke. I had no right to ask you to do that." Tears started to slip down Jai's face again. "You shouldn't have even considered doing something like that for me. I'm only going to let you down."

"You don't have to let me down. You can get better. We can make you an appointment. Get you some help, so you're not this depressed anymore." I suggested.

"What would Beau think? He already thinks I'm worthless."

"I promise you he loves you." I reassured him before pulling him into my side so he could cry into my shoulder.

"What would he think of me trying to make you cut yourself like that?!" Jai squeezed his eyes shut painfully. "I'm so messed up, Luke! Who does something like that?"

"It's okay. You weren't thinking straight." I cooed, trying to comfort him. "Just let's go home and you can think about my suggestion. Okay?"

"Okay." Jai nodded his head, but I could tell that if I were to leave right now than things wouldn't end well for him. He most likely would try to drown himself in that lake. I knew he was slowly killing himself already, but I was now 100x closer to stopping him.

As we walked home, I became increasingly worried about Jai. Something about him was off. More so than usual. I made a mental note to keep an eye on him tonight.

When we did get home, Beau was pacing worriedly. Jai immediately ran up to Beau and threw his arms around him. Beau was shocked, but returned the hug without hesitation. His little brother needed him.

"I'm soooo sorry, Beau!" Jai whimpered, "More than you'll ever know."

My head snapped up at his words. They almost sounded like he was saying goodbye. That couldn't be possible. It wasn't December 2nd yet. It was too early for him to do that.

"Come Jai." I grabbed his arm and took him up to my room. "Sleep in here tonight?"

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Yeah, well maybe I do!" I snapped.