If He Only Knew

Jai

"Luke. I need to talk to you."

I was currently playing FIFA with Beau, when Jai came into the room demanding to talk to me. I was about to immediately get up and follow him out of the room, but Beau stopped me.

"No. I'm sick of you two running off and keeping secrets." Beau jumped in. What was he talking about.

"We're twins Beau, that's not going to change anytime soon." Jai laughed. I couldn't respond. Have we really been that secretive lately?

"Are you kidding me? I'm still your older brother and if you two are in trouble I need to know. Luke won't even tell me what happened to his face." Jai's eyes flicked over to my face at this. He immediately dropped his gaze out of what seemed to be guilt.

"I did that." Jai said with as much confidence as he could muster.

"What?" Beau was surprised. This was Jai. The same boy that chose to ignore haters instead of starting arguments with them.

"You heard me." Jai spoke. "We got into a fight and Luke refused to hit me back."

"So, you just kept punching him?" Beau was incredulous and looked like he was about to hit Jai himself. I immediately stepped in front of Jai, ready to take a hit for him if it came down to it. "And now you're protecting him..."

"I've been bullying him since we were 8 years old. I deserved every punch." I looked Beau in the face as his expression morphed from anger to shock.

"What? You're just being over-dramatic. Jai's fine." Beau sighed. I felt my jaw tighten after hearing him say those words.

"You're right, Beau! Just like you always are." Jai's voice had a happy sound to it, but there were actually tears streaming down his face. "I mean why would there ever be something wrong with Jai?!"

"I'm so confused. Are you on your man-period or something, dude?" Beau asked sarcastically. Jai looked down for a split second.

"You know what, Beau? I'm going to tell you what me and Luke have been hiding from you." Jai choked out, causing me to give him a questioning look.

"Here I'll even show you!" Jai was hysterical, I realized, he wasn't thinking straight and was probably going to do some thing he regretted later. I was right about that, because the next thing I know Jai has lifted up his sleeve and shoved his arm into the air to show Beau. "You see that Beau. I did that. I did that because I can't stand to even be alive right now. Who can blame me when I live with two idiots like you!?"

"Jai..." I tried to reason with my twin but it was almost like I wasn't even there  at that point. Beau looked frozen in his seat for a moment before standing up and moving past me to slap Jai.

"Don't you ever do this again!" Beau screamed in his face. I was paralyzed. I knew that I should step in and do something, but there was nothing I could do.

"Anything else?" Jai asked like the last shred of life had been taken from him.

"That's what I should be asking you?" Beau retorted.

"Luke!" Jai turned to me. "I'm sorry, but December 2nd is coming earlier than expected." Jai ran up to his room after that saying that while I tried to do something to snap myself out of being frozen.

"What's December 2nd?" Beau asked.

"Jai's suicide date." I answered before running after my twin with Beau close behind me. I ran to his door, surprised to find it open. I wandered further into his room until I got to his bathroom. "Jai." I called through the door. I didn't receive a response so I kicked it open.

I was surprised to see Jai sitting in his bathtub, fully clothed, with water up to his ankles. I took a slow step closer to him. He didn't seem to notice me, and truthfully I was kind of scared. There was something majorly wrong with him.

"They're gone." Jai whispered so quietly that I almost didn't hear him.

"What are you talking about, Jai?" I asked.

"He's talking about the two bottles of sleeping pills he had stashed away in here." Beau supplied from the doorway.

"What are you talking about?" I asked Beau only for him to ignore me.

"What?" Jai asked.

"Daniel found those ages ago and we dumped them. I was just waiting for you to say something."

"Get out." My voice shook with rage at my older brother. He knew that Jai was suicidal, yet he never bothered to let anyone know. Beau surprisingly left without putting up a fight.

"I know you've been listening to my video diaries, Luke." Jai's voice was eerily quiet. "I'm not mad or anything. I just wish...I don't know what to think anymore."

"Jai do you need me to call someone?" I asked. Jai knew what I was talking about. I was asking if he wanted to see someone for his depression. He shakily nodded his head.

"I don't want to, but I think I have to."
-

Jai was able to get the help he needed. Apparently, being border-line suicidal is a big enough deal to get you put under a 72-hour watch. I was at the hospital with Jai the entire time and it gave us a chance to talk things out.

I found out that Jai felt alone and abandoned. Like nobody loved him. I was happy to hear that I wasn't really the cause of his suicidal thoughts. At that point, he had grown used to my bullying. It just caused him to get worse.

At first, Jai didn't want to stop cutting, but after much arguing between me and his therapist he agreed to try. A few months later and with the help of his Prozac, Jai was able to stop for good. We're slowly working on trying to mend our relationship, but it's still a work in progress. I just know that I really would have followed him if he had gone through with it.

Apparently, Jai had talked about this during therapy and his therapist recommended I be put on anti-depressants too. I decided to make an appointment with her and she explained to me that sometimes when were hurting so much on the inside, we start to hurt those closest to us. She put me on Prozac too, and honestly I've never been happier. I could feel a hole I never realized I had start to fill up with the happiness and joy I received when I spent time with my friends and family. Most of all, I'm happy that December 2nd never arrived. It never did, so now I have my best friend, brother, and twin back. Honestly, I can't begin to explain how thankful I am for that.

-

"That was a cute video." Jai commented as the video I had just made finished up.

"It's the truth. I couldn't live without you Jai."

"I know. I'm just happy you never gave up on either of us."

"No problem, what are twins for!" We both smiled and knew immediately that although this experience had changed both of us, it was for the better.

-the end-