Bio Thing

Dunno

I used to be the person to go to when you needed a hug. Or a smile. Even some kind of help and care. Though I can't bring myself to give a damn about many people anymore. Cold and heartless, that's who I used to be. That's who I'm becoming again. I don't know how to stop it either. I've tried, but I can't be that support anymore. There is something in me that's had enough of people using me and leaving. Emotionally and mentally I can't do this anymore. I'm too numb to your feelings. I can pretend but I won't put much effort into hiding it from you.

I'm rambling. Honestly I don't know my point to this chapter, but it's here. Please don't expect me to be who you have come to know now. I am not him anymore, I am just someone on wattpad. I am just a person who is going to leave someday. Walk away from me, you do not need me around now. I'm no longer helpful to you all. I don't and can't care anymore. So many people have come and left. I'm ready to be done with this and walk away as well. I don't give a damn anymore who stays and leaves me anymore. I only need those closest to me. 

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That was me about a month ago. And honestly I'm not much better. To some I still don't feel much. To others I'm an emotional wreck. I can't seem to control myself anymore. I believe I have lost myself at some point along the way. Perhaps I need to find him again. I'm getting so depressed again. Those....thoughts....they're coming back. The lonely feeling is creeping in. Will I make it this time? I'm getting frightened and either can't sleep at night or I'm crashing faster than I thought I ever could. I know I've changed so much.  I know something is wrong with me. I don't know what to do....

I try....I try so hard

To be strong

To be there

To be helpful

To be a protector 

I don't want to break. Though everyday, I want to scream, I want to cry. I'm angry then sad. I don't even know why half of the time. I feel so trapped. In my own house. In my head. In the shadows. In the darkness. I'm constantly fighting myself. I run from so many things in my life. I just want to give up. I know I can't but I can't keep pulling myself back up when I fall. 

I don't know what's real anymore. My mind is so crammed full of so much shit. Why!? Why was I put here!? Why bother with everything!? God I'm so weak now and days. You have no idea how hard I cry everyday, once in my room. How much screaming I do when no one is home. I'm so trapped....I will always be trapped. Where do I even belong. My mother will never make this house my home.

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A day ago those were my thoughts. I was sinking fast. Everything was crushing me. I couldn't breathe and it hurt to think about. My head spun with everything there. I wanted to end things, funny how that hadn't crossed my mind in months. Though yesterday I kept thinking that. Ways to do it. How to do it. When to do it. Though I fought it. And my own angel got to me before I gave in.

 The thoughts above still linger. I think about them. I know I need to fix things. I know I can't give up on feeling for those people. So I'll fight it. Fight the feeling off. I'll smile for you again. I'll hug you and cuddle you. I remember how it used to be. I remember the feeling of joy and smiling around you. I remember the laughter we shared. I kick myself at how I act now. I know it hurt you. Still does I bet. You'll come to mind throughout the day and I wonder where it changed. We both drifted apart but I believe I started. I wonder how your day is. I wonder what you're up to. Or how your track meet went. I wonder if you smile still or giggle. I wonder if you're happy and if you're protected. I wonder why you still put up with me. I wonder if things will ever change to how they were before. I wonder if I can fix my mistakes. I wonder if you'll forgive me. I wonder if you still want me to keep my promise to you I made before those happy days ended between us. 

I wonder....

  

I'm sorry for everything.

Perhaps my thoughts have finally made me crazy for having hope.

*smiles small* I'm sorry hun