Destined

I

7:16pm

She looked as though she would pass out at any given second. With her glassy red eyes and her matted hair that was tied into a ponytail, she was having the hardest of time trying not to freak out. Erin have been running across her tiny one bedroom apartment, looking for her keys. She swore she had left it by the dresser this morning but no matter how many times, she went back and forth across the small space, it was nowhere to be found.

"I'm going to be late! I'm going to be late!" she chanted to herself, still running around. She can't afford losing her job or not getting paid today, she needed the money.

That's what she kept saying.

Her job at Double Dzz was the only consistent being that had happened to her ever since she started working at that establishment almost six years ago. The job, though not a conventional one nor a reputable one, kept her afloat, kept the bills paid, electricity running and food in their stomachs. Even if it's just the bare minimum, they've survived worse.

There was only one rule in that rowdy joint and that was to not be late. Being late equals to not being paid. And not being paid equals to not paying the bills or buying food. And not eating equals to death.

Death

She stopped to contemplate at thought of death, she wouldn't mind being a corpse at this point. No one would've even noticed she was gone. She could be lying dead in an alley and still no one would care. Her life have been and will always be miserably miserable. A struggle that could be dated back to her childhood.

She had accepted what was given to her. She had no choice but to. This was her life. Her fate. And her doing.

At times, as ashamed as she is to admit it, she would find herself thinking of ways to go, to run away, to leave from this world. A world where she didn't want to be in.

Slitting her wrists.

But she was terrified at the sight of blood.

Jumping off a skyscraper.

But what if she changed her mind halfway through the drop.

Shooting herself in the head.

But that was too messy. Brain matter will splatter all over the walls.

Overdosing on drugs.

But she can't do that. She can't be like her mother.

All that were just thoughts; she knew she couldn't do it. She felt selfish and guilty for even having such inkings. She couldn't leave him here, all alone, motherless. Having practically grown up without a mother, she knows the struggle and she doesn't want him to face the world the same way she did.

She couldn't leave Noah.

One might think that, having an addict for a mother, she would've known what not to do to follow in her mother's footsteps. But one can only imagine what one mistake could lead to. One couldn't have ever known that it could have led to a never ending series of mistakes and regrets.

"Noah, Noah, shhhhh..."

Having a baby wailing on the top of his lungs wasn't helping in her finding her keys any faster. He's fussing about god knows what and Erin's about to bash her head against the wall.

Maybe that's a better way to die.

"Oh god! Noah, please stop crying!! Just wait a second. Mommy needs to find her keys so she can work and buy you food and clothes." she cried, bouncing him on her hip ever so often as she still continued to run around the apartment.