Poetry in motion

2. Not a clue

Not a clue:
I cant decide what to do about you.
I cant discern a feeling.
I think i like you.
I really think i do.
But the feeling is deeper
Than i ever knew.

I dont know what to do,
When i feel like i love you.
Because you have no clue
Not even the slightest inkling
Of what i feel for you.

And you will never know
Because i cant ever say it.
My deafness has brought us pain
And you dont even know it.

As i finish the poem i turn my hearing aids back on. I hear my mom yelling at my step-dad downstairs. Step-daddy number three? Out the door.

I wonder how much money we will end up with this time. I think to myself as i look out the window at the departing taxi.

"Mom!" I say loudly. I hate my deaf accent, so i usually turn off my aides while i talk, this time, i forgot and wince as i hear my own voice bouncing around in my head.

She walks into my room and responds sweetly, "Yes, dear?"

"Im going to dads' house for the next couple weeks, just while you work this out, mmkay?" I say to her. This has become a routine for us. Bad boyfriend? Not enough money? Marriage gone wrong? Just go to dads house.

I like his house, its out in the rich part of town, and he's got a stable second marriage. To a man.

Yes, my father left us for another man, but they're suuuch a cute couple, i have no hard feelings. Plus, he makes me feel welcome and at home when im there.

I think im actually going to ask them to try and keep me. Im so tired of moms man-killer attitude in life. Im not getting proper attention as a 30% hearing, sixteen year old, girl. So that is my mission. Which brings me back to the present.

"Sure honey." She says and kisses my forehead. "When are you going over?"

"Uh 45 minutes or so."

"Okay." She exits the room and i text my step-dad;

Me: Catching bus to ire-town. C u there in 30. @ dubliner

Jack: k. Should i bring dad? Or no?

Me: no. We can hang then head to house. Have Hue drive my car down?

Jack: sure sweetie, which one?

Me: the stang. Thanks. c u in 30

My stepdad and i hang out at this bar in the irish ghetto of haight area, and he always buys me a guiness. Or two. But we are both responsible drinkers (and drivers) and we eat first. The Dubliner has the best non-bar bar food there is to be found. Irish people sure know how to take care of their liquor consumers.

After i see his read receipt i grab my wallet and head out the door. Mom wont notice that i left 40 minutes early. She never does.

Walking to the end of my street i see him. The boy i just wrote the poem about. To. Whatever. He's standing at the bus stop. And only the 15 stops here. He's waiting for the same bus i am.

Kyrin Cobain. Waiting at my bus stop. I notice he's talking on a phone so i turn up my aides to hear the conversation. Horrible, i know.

"Babe, you cant do this to me!" Some mumbles from the other end, "i never cheated on you! I told you, she came in-" i hear a dial tone, she hung up on him.

I turn down the aides as i walk up and ask him, "Girl troubles?"

He sighs, "yeah, that easy to tell huh?" And then he looks up at me. "Oh." He says, noticing my hearing aids.

"Its okay." I say. "I can hear without them, but it's pretty hard." And i take them out, turning them off so they don't make that earsplitting ringing noise in his ears. I can't hear it, because its high pitched, but he sure can. I saw the relief on his face when i turned them off. "Just speak in a low tone, then i will be able to hear you." I say as i go to put them in my pocket.

He raises an eyebrow, "You mean, how i normally talk?" He says, slightly smiling.

"I wouldn't know." I said, "I'm Claire by the way." I reach out my hand to shake his.

"Kyrin." He smiles, and reaches out to shake my out-stretched hand.

I hear a deep rumble, feeling vibrations beneath my feet. I look to the side, bus 15 is headed down the street towards us. "would you like to join me and my step-dad for lunch downtown?"

"I really would, but I'm headed to meet my girlfriend, you can imagine how that would look to her, if I showed up with another girl." He kind of had a sad look going. As if he knew it wouldn't work out between them.

"Maybe some other time then." I say and hop on the bus. He follows me on and pays for his ticket after me. Looking for empty seats, i see almost none, neither standing nor sitting, except for one pair-seat in the very back of the bus. Headed for that, I laugh to myself. I guess we aren't quite done getting to know each other.

I sit down and he tries to sit in the same seat as me, we end up practically balled together and the lady next to us smiles and laughs.

"We aren't a couple." I clarify. "We aren't even friends." I finish.

"Well, you would make a very cute couple," a standing, older, black man says to us.

We both kind of smirked at the two of them.

~~~~~

I walk into The Dubliner and see Jack right away. I wave and sit down next to him.

"Has your hearing suddenly returned?" He smiles and greets me.

"Um, no. Why?" I say, completely confused.

"You aren't wearing your hearing aides." he says slowly.

"OH!" I screech. Exasperated. Quickly, I search my pockets. They are nowhere to be found. Shit. hearing aides are expensive. My eyes widen as I realize what must have happened. They didn't quite make it into my pockets at the bus stop, and so, fell to the ground. Kyden must have picked them up, which is why he got on after me. But then, why didn't he give them back on the bus?

"Where are they sweetie?" Jack asked me, noticing didn't have them.

"With a guy from school that I met at the bus stop." I sigh and slump onto the bar stool.

"I'm confused..." he said.

"I will explain later, just buy me a Guiness and distract me." I said, slowly raising my hand to my forehead. I'm so ready for a drink.