I Am Death (completed)

Chapter 9: My Time Is Up

Graduation approaches, Sebastian and I have been together all this time and it's a relief to be able to share my death with someone, he's like my anchor, but I fear that I will not have my anchor for much longer. Father has made it abundantly clear that I must leave the mortal world when graduation is over, and that I can never come back. I haven't told Sebastian yet, because when I do he'll try and make me stay, but there has always been a time limit when it comes to the mortal world.

I cannot exist here for more than 24 hours at a time, I start to deteriorate as my soul is forced back to Limbo, like being sucked up a vacuum cleaner. I can stay for the school hours, maybe over time, but I have to go home to... recharge I suppose, and then I can return the next day. All the days that I have spent here are beginning to take their toll, I will not be able to sustain this physical form for much longer, so I have to say goodbye, and I'm not sure I can.

It's crossed my mind that I could just slip away and never return, but Sebastian would spend his life hating me, wondering why I abandoned him and knowing that he can only ask me when he's dead. I can imagine it, so many years in the future, he dies an old man in his bed and then appears to me, he sees my face and remembers that I was real, only to be filled with disappointment and heartbreak at the memory of me. I couldn't bare that, so I'll have to tell him, and I'll have to find the words, if, god willing, those words even exist.

"Hey, there you are" he kisses my cheek like he does every morning and smiles brightly at me, today is just another day to him, his last days are far away, so far away that he hasn't even begun to worry about them yet, but these are mine and I'm trying to relish in every second of them, however I can't shake this dark cloud looming over me "you okay?"

I smile half heartedly "yes I'm fine"

"Really? Because that's your worry face" I love that he knows my faces.

"This isn't my worry face, no this is my 'we're graduating soon and I'm really happy about it' face" I hate lying to him, but I can't bring myself to tell him, but we should have fun in these last days of mine, not here, in school "we should ditch today, go have some fun, spend lots of money..." I suddenly suggest.

His eyes narrow as he stares into mine and then grabs my wrist, tugging me into an empty classroom before classes start "okay, what's wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"You told me what you did for Lizzie on her last day, you're trying to do it again today, so what's wrong? Am I dying?" He's joking and I want to laugh but I can't bring myself to do it, technically I'm dying, even though I'm already dead.

My face falls as a sadness takes over me "you kissed me this morning, on the cheek like you always do. I only know that because I see your reflection in the trophy case, not because I can feel you do it. It drives me crazy that I can't feel you touch me" he sighs as he runs his fingers through his hair and avoids my eyes, he hates talking about this, he loves talking about everything else about Reapers, but not the fact that I can't ever feel him "you're not the one whose dying, Sebastian. I am"

Suddenly his eyes meet mine "what?" He mumbles out, probably trying to comprehend how I can die twice.

"I'm running out of time, I can't exist here for much longer, there are only so many days that a Reaper can walk the earth, my days are almost up. After graduation I have to leave, and Sebastian... I can never return" he lets out a puff of breath, like he had been holding it in this whole time, his eyes have become glassy, I don't think I've ever seen him cry "but it's okay, because you'll graduate and go to college, you'll meet a nice girl and get married, soon you'll forget I ever existed, you won't be sure if I was even real. You'll have kids and be happy. And lets hope that I don't see you again until you're old and grey and you've lived a long life"

With a resistant expression Sebastian grabs my face and holds it, while a tear escapes his eye "I want that nice girl to be you. There has to be a way Raven, there has to be some kind of way to bring you back, you brought me back, just do it for you..."

"Sebastian... you had a body to go back to, you were only dead for a few minutes. I've been dead for years, my body is ash, what you're touching is temporary, it's synthetic, it's not real. I can't ever come back" I wipe his tear away and grab his hand, his thumb strokes my skin and I wish to god that I could feel him, so I concentrate real hard on that one motion, and for a brief moment I can feel it move across my palm.

His eyes slowly close as he rests his forehead onto mine, like he's trying to read my thoughts, after a moments silence he speaks quietly "I told my dad that I had met this girl, and that I loved her. He told me I'm too young to know what love is, and that this is some foolish, childish whim. But, I can tell by the way my heart beats around you that I was made for you, to love you everyday that I can. This isn't a whim, Raven, this is forever"

I allow myself to smile, I know that if I could, I would be crying right now "if I hadn't died, I'm sure that I would have met you, I'd have been drawn to you. And I'd marry you, under blossom trees with Lizzie as my bridesmaid. You and my brothers would laugh together and my father would pat your back as my mother welcomed you to our family. But it's a life that I can never have. If you are my soul mate, then you should know that there are more than one, you will love again when I'm gone"

"But I don't want to"

I smile as I kiss him, I love his unwillingness to give in. My Reaper father comes from biblical times, he loves poetry and words spoken like Shakespeare, so to comfort him, I give Sebastian my heart in words "one day I'll be free from the Reapers work, and I'll be able to pass on. There will be white roses and fields of green grass, fluffy white clouds and an endless blue sky, I am sure of it. We'll spend eternity together there, I swear. In the long nights leading up to our eternity, those nights when you are here on this Earth, promise me that you will be happy, and that you'll think of me"

The bell rings before he can protest and students start to pour into the room, he acts as if his world hasn't come tumbling down around him, wipes his tears and leaves the room. I wish I could read his mind, I wish my words were more of a comfort to him, but I can see that he'll never give up, he'll live his life missing me and it tears me apart to think of him that way, sitting alone and not living his life.

Well me, I hope this trip to school was worth it. I begged my father to let me come here, because I wanted to be selfish and live among people that I had left behind years ago. In the process I found a friend, she died and I couldn't stop it. I also met a boy, I was unsure of him at first, but then I grew to love him because he could bring emotions out of me that I thought I'd lost, and now I've destroyed his life. All because I was selfish, all because I just had to go to school and pretend like I was still one of these people. Like I hadn't died.