The Thought Of You

Chapter 01, Makes Me Ponder

My Dear Friend,

As I sit at my desk, my mind wanders through puzzles I cannot yet solve myself, though we have lost others, my mind can not shake off the fact that you have parted. I sit here looking at the ceiling, I never questioned you and your actions, but now I feel as if that's all I can do. You asked me to tell your story and I did more than a hundred times, and I shared so much more to try to keep your name alive, but yet I feel as if I still failed you. I've been waking up from slumber numerous of times from the envision of that day, I sweat and my heart is in pain every time I awaken. So, as I ponder this, I haven't slept in days, maybe even weeks if possible and I shouldn't even tell about my diet recently. I found myself not eating well as I used to, I skip meals often, and I lost a bit of weight doing so.

Why? That's my only question for you, why am I feeling so horrible even when I'm doing everything you asked of me. Even yesterday I found myself crying over a note I found, you wrote it for me a long time ago and you told me to throw it away, but I couldn't. It's amazing how a piece of paper with ink on it could mean so much to me, how seeing that piece of paper tear me into pieces with just a glance. I've tried to stay strong, but as every day goes by I feel myself waste away from this beautiful land. Is this grief or regret?

I was told it was normal to grieve after a close friend you have lost, but it's been years since your funeral, I feel as if this is all my fault, is that not regret? That every day I wake up and I wish I had died then and there and I wished that I left this world with you.

Look at me, I'm sounding selfish, aren't I? You wanted me alive, as much as I wanted you alive and that's it, I have to face the facts that you are gone and I cannot follow. You wouldn't want that, I know you wouldn't, I know you better than anyone else in this place. When everyone doubted you I was always there, no matter what because I believed in you. I believed more than that, and it's even foolish to admit I miss your embrace. The comfort we gave each other like no other when no one was around, it was a sin and we knew we were doing wrong, but we committed far worse than that.

Your Dearest Friend, Horatio.

I sighed and put my quill down as I looked up at my window, and looking at it I realized that daylight was near. I pushed myself away from the desk and looked around at my surroundings, it was dark and empty with books on shelves that haven't been touched since he left. I shook my head from the thought of him and stood up straight to make my way to my wardrobe. I chose my clothes for the following day and began to get dressed, even if I went to University I feel like an idiot every time I look in the mirror. I stare at myself a bit longer than I usually do, when did I age? I touch my face where my beard has formed, and the dark circles under my eyes, I wasn't a boy anymore. I brushed my fingers through my shoulder length hair that has aged, or was it from stress? I couldn't really tell anymore.

I closed my wardrobe door and walked away from the mirror to walk towards the door of my room. I looked around once more, this room felt cold and dead, everytime I am in it, I can always feel myself giving up, this is not what I need. I walked out of the room, towards the wifeless and childless kitchen, why would I expect any more? I might have knowledge, but I do not have the heart to love another anymore. I grab a roll of bread and make my way out of my house and into the village, where early birds were getting ready for the day and bakeries and shops were just opening. I took a bite of my breakfast while walking down the dirt path of the town, what could I do today?

As I ponder the thought I heard a voice call out my name behind me, I was startled, but slowly turned backward towards it, it was baker Berner, he was a much older fellow, who seemed to worry too much and try to get me to wed his young daughter, Aalui. She was a sweet thing, to be honest, she always did random checks to me at my house to see if I have eaten well, and then leave food for the week, but I could not marry her. My father would look at me as more of a disappointment than he already does.