It Was Supposed to Blossom

CHAPTER THREE

Lilly's POV

I couldn't believe it. How could Ryan do this? I was feeling so hurt, so lost. Like I had six years ago. I thought if I reached out to Ryan, one of my closest friends, he could comfort me, tell me the things that I needed to hear to carry on, to be encouraged. But now...now a whole jumble of emotions is swirling in me, and one in particular that I didn't want to acknowledge.
I had run from the car, blurting a hasty goodbye, burst into the apartment and slammed the door quick, just in case Ryan was following and slipped in after me. I was panting heavily, fists clenched, whole body trembling, feeling my cheeks rise in temperature...

When I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the hallway mirror, I was too embarrassed to even take a second glance. How could I let myself get into this pathetic state? I settled down on the couch in my coziest unicorn onesie and a mug of warm tea, careful not to let my rain-stained head touch the cushions. Grabbing up a towel, I ran it through my hair and over some damp patches on my clothes before letting it slither to the ground for air-drying to finish the job. I tuck my knees up to my chin, hugging a cushion to my chest, just listening to the rain lashing against my windows. Now, with all that out of the way, there was nothing to distract me from the simple truth.

Ryan kissed me.

What? Why? How?

All the different questions crowded my head until I felt like my brain was about to explode. It was like I had no control over my sanity and my entire being. But then I took a deep breath and told myself one thing that I was completely certain of. I was a Bawse. And what would a Bawse do in this situation?

I told myself I first needed to take a step back and get my feelings in check. How was I feeling at this moment? I was partly angry, but my dominant emotion was confusion. After all, it was all so sudden, so shocking. But there was another emotion, tugging away at my heartstrings, persistent, refusing to give up. It was an unfamiliar emotion, one that I always forced down, brushed away, trying my hardest to ignore...

Got it.

Attraction. I was attracted to him.

Now that a name was placed to it, the whole thing felt a lot more real. It was as if I was wading through a light-headed, fuzzy bubble initially, but now I know this is reality. But what I was feeling couldn't be put in mere words, beyond any definition in the dictionary. Attraction, however, was closest to it.

Now I knew what it was, it kicked in, allowing me to experience the full emotion. My cheeks reddened. My heart lifted, lighter than air, and fluttered like the wings of a butterfly. It thudded so hard against my chest I could hear it echoing around the room. It stayed like that for ten seconds, before I hastily shook it off.

Despairing, I got up and paced back and forth, raising my hands to my head. Why? I said goodbye to this emotion years ago in high school. All my previous boyfriends didn't work out, because I was a horrible girlfriend. That was the truth. I knew it, my friends knew it, my family, even Team Super could quote that by heart.

So why DID I FEEL THIS WAY???

I made a decision right then. I was a Bawse. And Bawses faced situations no matter how uncomfortable. But right now, just seeing Ryan is going to make me feel emotions I vowed to always put a lid on. I felt so embarrassed that I was choosing to avoid him, but deciding not to deal with my emotions was something I knew that I had to face sooner or later.

I chose to deal with them later. So, pulling out my phone and ignoring the first of many messages Ryan was leaving, I went on my Twitter and blocked him from my account. I did the same on my Instagram, and added a 'hide post' sanction on my Facebook, blocking his WhatsApp for good measure. There. It was done.

I took a deep breath and put away my mobile. Then, I grabbed a pillow, lay down, and hugged myself to sleep, ignoring the beeps from my phone.