Serial killer

Monster

Sometimes it hurts so much that it stops hurting at all.

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I had visited my past to redeem myself but i had been wrong. The following week had been the worst of my life. The regret and sorrow ate me up each day and my only escape was alcohol. I had started drinking heavily. The cold liquid soothed the burning rage inside of me. I had started neglecting my work and i was sure i would be fired sooner or later for my careless attitude. Sitting behind my office desk, i rubbed my temples to reduce my headache from the hangover. I had just been scolded by my boss for being late. My experience at the house replayed again and again but the pain never dulled. It was excruciating.

The glass door slid open to reveal my best friend standing. He moved cautiously towards me seeing my irritated mood. He took the seat in front of me and looked closely at me for a long time, as if trying to decipher what had gone wrong with me. I decided to ignore his presence and go back to being grumpy. I was hating his questioning stare. Why couldn't he leave me alone for Christ's sake.

"What's happening?" he broke the ice.

"Nothing." i replied tersely, trying to give him a clear hint that i was in no mood of his lectures.

"It can't be nothing after you visited THAT house." he said so calmly that it terrified me.

I was alert at once. How did he know i visited the house. I had told no one about it. Seeing my panicked state he answered my unasked question "I am your friend since last year. You can't expect to hide anything from me. Seb, i know it's hard to move on but it wasn't your fault she died. She slipped and it was just unfortunate that you were there. Had you not been there the situation would have been the same. It makes no difference."

Little did he know about the demon that dwelled inside of me. How i loathed myself. First i ran away like a timorous rat from the fate i had brought upon myself and now even denied the fact that i killed her in front of my only best friend. I hated myself. I hated people. I despised this weak and helpless feeling that had taken over me.

"You're a very nice guy, Seb. Don't lose yourself. This is not the Seb i have known. You are stronger than this. Respect the memories of your wife and do what she would want to have you do. I can bet Laura would long to see you happy and move on with life. She loves you. Don't let her down."

I swayed my head left to right, denying everything he said. With my elbows supported on the table i pulled at my hair vigorously. I stood up with such violence that the impact made my chair fall backwards.

"You....you don't understand. You don't know me." i started blabbering like a maniac. Pacing around the room like a lost puppy i found myself once again being captured by the sorrow and helplessness of the situation. I pulled at my hair again and screamed loudly. In one swift sweep i landed all the things on my table onto the floor. Jim was taken aback by my unexpected behaviour and came towards me to calm me down. I shrugged myself away from his grasp.

"You don't know me at all Jim. I'm a monster." i spat cynically into his face. Failing to gain composure, tears brimmed my eyes. "She wanted me to become a good father." i spoke softly. "Of her child. How do you expect me to do that?" i raised my voice looking straight into the scared eyes of my friend. "She wanted me to take care of her. She wanted me to be responsible and loving. She loved me and look what i did. Look." By now i was shouting. Realizing that i had created enough drama and gathered a huge crowd outside my office, i decided to go home and hide myself just like before. Cutting through the astonished group of idiots outside my office, i grabbed my coat and headed for the elevator. No one dared to follow me not even my best friend.