Why Am I Like This

Chapter 2

The dark purple sheets rustled beneath Jimin as he slowly lifted his head to gather his surroundings. He cast his eyes around the room as he tried to piece the last remnants of yesterday together. His gaze stopped at the sight of a box cutter less than an arm's length away, blade fully extended, Oh god I didn't did I, immediately he ran his hands up and down his body in search of any cuts. Relief washed over him when he couldn't feel any raised bumps or pain.

Pieces of last night flooded his memory. He remembered how he made his way to the sitting room and how the box cutter caught his attention. He knows it's wrong, but before he was given techniques on how to deal with his panic attacks he used to use self-harm to help bring him back out of the panic.

A shrill sound broke Jimin from his thoughts. Scrabbling around on his bed trying to find the source, he shuffled towards his rucksack and pulled out his phone. Swiping up and clicking the dismiss button the room fell silent.

He had always hated his alarm he had meant to change it, but he liked the idea that even though everything in his life kept changing, that one thing was kept the same. Even if he hated it with every bone in his body.

The silence was deafening, I've always hated the silence, he thought. Swiping up on his phone he entered the password (He had only put a password on his phone because he was convinced his butt would somehow swipe the screen up and call someone or click buttons). Selecting his favourite playlist the room was soon filled with, what was to Jimin, his drug. Instantly as the beat made impact with his ears he began to move to it and sing along.

Dancing and singing was always something that made Jimin feel happy. It was something that he felt shined a light into his life. It felt as if all the crushing weight that was on his shoulders was removed, and finally for once it felt as if he could breathe. Even if it was just for a while.

Half walking, half dancing he pulled the wardrobe doors open and took his uniform out. The uniform consisted of a blue navy blazer, the rims of the pockets on each side of the blazer were striped with yellow, up on the left side of the chest was the school logo of an eagle with its wings spread which was sewn in a yellow thread, there was a yellow and navy stripped tie and a white blouse. He was told he could wear any type of trousers he wanted to just as long as they were black. At first he reached for his usual of ripped jeans but quickly decided against it. He decided to play it safe by wearing a pair of plain black skinny jeans.

He pulled off the shirt he was wearing from the night before and swiftly pulled the blouse onto his body before buttoning it up. Removing his trousers, he stared at his legs carefully running a hand over the pink, silvery scars. I came so close yesterday to almost adding more. Walking over to his draws he pulled out a pair of boxers. Removing his current pair, he replaced them with the clean pair in his hand. Grabbing the trousers on the bed he pulled them over his legs and buttoned them. Turning to the mirror, he tied his tie before putting on his blazer and checking his face. Running a hand through his brown locks, man I look like shit, was all he could think as he inspected the dark circles under his eyes further.

Gathering his notebook, pens and gym clothes were no problem. Jimin was always clean and organized, for mess to pile up it was very unusual for Jimin. He glanced at the clock and remembered that the train will arrive in twenty minutes, prompting his leave. Jimin knew waking up this late would mean he would have to skip out on breakfast. It didn't bother him though. He'd gone many days without breakfast before, plus it's very likely that if he ate anything it wouldn't stay down.

Jimin checked the weather as he exited the apartment:

October
MON 10/3
Temp – 28◦/22◦

Thankful he didn't have to wear a coat, so he set off towards the train station.

Reaching the station a number of people that were there and the day ahead of him started to overwhelm him, the urge to panic was close. Closing his eyes he whispered to himself.

"It will be okay. You'll be okay." moving once again he followed other students wearing the same uniform to the platform he knew was right and boarded the train with no trouble. Spotting an area of empty seats, he made his way over. Settling down, he placed his bag in the seat next to his so no one would sit next to him. Rummaging in his bag he prays he remembered to pack his earphones. Just as he was about to give up he found one of the earbuds. After a long fight between the earphones and whatever they were stuck to, they were finally freed. Feeling triumphant he pushed the earbuds into his ears (left in the left ear and right in the right, god forbid if they were in the wrong ears). On the loudest setting, music blasted into his ears. Once again that day he could forget about everything, all his worries, anxiety, and just feel the beat. Smiling softly he turned to face the window and watch as the scenery passed by.