Fallingforyou (Larry Stylinson)✔️

7

Standing by the window and watching the sun shine on the snow on the ground, or it's not really snow it's more like frost. It's November now and it's unusually cold here this time of the year.

"Louis?" I look at the reflection of my mother in the window, I don't want to turn around so she can see the dark circles under my eyes. I look sicker than ever and I feel weaker than I have ever been.

When I get eye contact with her through the window she looks at me sadly. I know she is having a hard time sleeping and I know she's trying to cover it up.

Two weeks... two weeks have passed sense my heart failed even more than I thought was possible without dying.

I haven't slept more than two hours each night because of the pain I'm in, I wake up in the middle of the night screaming because of the pain that is going from my heart out to my whole body. Every single inch of my body hurts on a level of pain that words can't describe.

"I made some food if you're hungry" I'm not... but I decide to walk with her to the kitchen, my legs are weak and I feel like they probably give up on me soon, like my body is so weak that it takes me a couple of minutes to get to the kitchen.

I only sit down and poke at the food with my fork, moving it around my plate because it might look like I have eaten. I don't see the point in eating I'll die anyways so why not control it instead of just dropping dead one day without being able to control it at all.

"Dr. Payne is coming over later, he talked about bringing that curly haired boy... you seemed to enjoy his company when you were at the hospital."

I don't answer because I feel like my voice is too weak to talk. I have met Dr. Payne a lot of time these days and every time he comes here with new hope of something that might help me survive... but then at the end of the day he walks away with the hope leaving his eyes.

He doesn't have as much hope as in the beginning, right now I think he only tries to buy me some time... buy himself some time to try to save me.

"Aren't you hungry?" My mother is looking so worried from across the kitchen where she is standing and watching me just move around my food.

"Not really" I mumble out and I know that she hates it that I don't eat. But the thing is that I don't feel hungry it's like when you were ill when you were younger, you would feel too sick to eat because there just wasn't such a thing as hunger anymore.

I eat a small piece of potato before I stand up and make my way slowly out of the room. I lay down on the couch and just look around the living room, we haven't packed up all boxes yet, and a lot of them just stands in the corner hidden behind all the hospital things. I feel sick in a way that words can't describe.

I don't know how long I just sit there and look around the room that just doesn't feel like home, no matter how much my mother tries it just doesn't feel like this is where I live. I feel like something is missing...

"Hey Jack Frost!" I am shook awake from my mind by the curly haired boy that keeps hunting my mind wherever I go. Those green eyes just seem greener now than last time I saw him. He have just gotten more beautiful.

He stands in front of me with a pair of black skinny jeans and a red flannel it's such a simple outfit but on him it just looks like that little extra touch have been put in to it.

"Hi." I say and become so much more aware of the fact that I am only dressed in a pair of sweatpants and an old vans shirt. I probably also have really dark circles under my eyes that literally is the only indicator of that it's still blood left in my body.

"I got you some tea from that café we went to" The smile on his lips is just so remarkable it's something so beautiful about the way the left side of his smile is slightly higher than the right side. Something so special about how the dimples really pop from the small motion that his lips make.

"Thank you" I say and take the to go cup with my shaking hands from his hand, he reach half way so we meet in the middle. It's nice to have the feeling of someone going half the way for you, they met you there in the middle.

He sit down beside me on the couch and we just sit there in silence, the only thing you can hear is the small mumbling from the kitchen. I can't make out what my mother and Dr. Payne is saying, but truth to be told I'm not sure I want to know.

Everything just feel so serious... maybe because it is serious because truth is that I'm a ticking bomb that can explode at any given moment. No one knows how long it is left until they die, everyone know they will die sometime... I just think that a lot of people don't have it as much on black and white as I do.

You're not supposed to die young, you're supposed to die old when you have lived all your life, but still here I am just waiting for the day when I will fall asleep and never wake up.

I know it sounds absolutely horrifying to say it like that but it's the truth, what else can I do? I know that I will die sooner than most people, I will probably not make it to my birthday if there isn't some miracle... there isn't years until I die, it's not months... it's weeks or days...

I will drop dead and not be able to do anything about it.

"What got you thinking so hard?" There is something about the way he smiles when he asks me it that make me feel like every single thought of death can wait for a few more moments. I want to be in this moment and remember it forever.

"Nothing important." I feel so bad saying it because it feels like I am telling him lies, like I am lying to his face... but the smile never fades on his face and it makes me feel better, makes me feel alive.

That smile makes me forget that I'm drying, just for a moment... and that's all I want.