Cockles/jenmish one shot

depressed

a/n

not so much jenmish here, but I really loved writing it. Enjoy!

Misha was exhausted. He didn't enjoy his life as much as he once did.

He did want to sleep in forever, but the thought of the consequences of his death made him angry at himself. He knew people loved him, he knew he was important. But he didn't feel loved, he didn't feel important.

And after the outrage hate and disrespect he had been giving, he for once believed the words they told him. There had always been positivity around the supernatural fandom. Fans would give him gifts, tell him how he saved them and he was so deeply happy. He had helped people, his intention was always to help people.
But then there was this hate that someone carried. He must've done something wrong to be so deeply hated. He knew he was flawed, he knew every little bit. Whenever he was low and feeling blue, he would search up his name and read the disgusting words that were lies and thrown at him.

It shattered him completely, knowing the fact that somebody had death wishes for him. It made him feel lower than he already was, and after a while, he was the one with the biggest death wish of them all.

Because when people start being mean to you, you start being mean to yourself. It's the act of humanity.

But he had these beautiful kids that gave life to him, and a wife that was everything to him even though they fought, and not to forget about his friends. Well, no one truly knew him. He had a matter of fact felt this for a long time. Since he was young, he never felt important. He had one big scar on his left arm which he was good at hiding, because he had this excellent excuse. He was everything he wanted, he just had an unfinished puzzle of his self-esteem.

He felt alone at nights, when he was laying in bed with a wife next to him. He felt empty. It was as if his soul was gone, vanished into the darkest place of his mind. He didn't feel compassion and love for the things he once dedicated his life to. His life felt left alone, like it was nothing, just a piece of thin air. He couldn't describe the empty void in his stomach; he couldn't tell what was wrong with him. He just wanted more of himself. He wanted to give more than he did and to love those who were struggling. He knew he couldn't save everyone, he just so deeply wished he could.

He began having more problems. He would start with having a few sips of whiskey to relax, but it began to turn into something more, something worse. Misha couldn't stop himself, he had to drink away the problems, he had to forget. He didn't want to remember, he didn't want to hurt anymore.

He didn't sleep much. He spent hours thinking about everything and nothing. It got worse, to a point where he almost killed his kids and himself.
They were driving home, both of them in the back seat, and he was just so tired. He didn't function; he hadn't slept well for weeks. His eyes drifted away as his body left the state of his mind, next thing he knew, Jensen and Jared were standing by him at the hospital bed in silence.

His kids were alright though, they got small burns on their shoulder and around their stomach because of the belt, but they were okay, just worried about their father. That made him so disappointed, knowing the children were worried about him, the one who almost killed them. He had to carry this on his conscience. He felt worse, knowing how the most important kids in his life could have died because of him.

Misha just got a heavy concussion and hard, judgmental looks months after. The guilt he was carrying was heavy upon his shoulders. It became worse as he searched for his name on sites, only to be surrounded with rage for the accident. He didn't mean to, he really didn't.

His wife was extremely disappointed at him a few times and it ended up with Misha crashing on the couch. His life was so far from perfect. Jared had so much, he had a wife that always looked at him with love in her eyes and she looked at him the same way, and Jensen and Danneel was the ultimate couple. Misha didn't feel as much love as he wanted to feel from Vicki, he loved her and she loved him, he knew that, but Misha was troubled.