The Path

Am I Even Alive?

Nine Years Ago

Sarah glanced in the mirror and smiled.  "Well, that should work."  She didn't really feel like going to this so-called lunch with her mother, Jane.  The woman would just ask her once again what she planned on doing once she graduated college next month.  Had she been putting any applications in?  Was she considering opening her own practice?  Just what exactly does  an abnormal psychologist do?  She really had no answers for these questions.  The only thing that she was certain of was that she had wanted answers for all the questions she had about herself growing up.  She was forced into college by her demanding mother, so a psychology career path seemed to be a way to find those answers.  Now, seven years and a load of debt later she had a degree, but still no answers.  

As soon as she got to the diner and sat down across from her mother she knew she was in for a lecture. 

 "Sarah, why don't you seem to want to do anything with your life?  You graduate in less than five weeks and you don't even have a single interview lined up! I know you didn't accumalate all that debt just to wander around like a lost puppy," her mother declared.

"Mom, I am lost.  I have no idea what I want to do.  I went into this field hoping that I would be able to find myself, and honestly, I don't even know that!  Sometimes I wonder if I'm even alive or if I'm just some bored dream a stanger is having!" Sarah cried out.

"Welcome to the real world, honey.  Everyone goes through a time in their life where they don't know where they're going.  You just have to get off your rump, pull yourself together and make something of yourself,"  Jane stated.

Sarah couldn't tell her this was something that had just happened, she had been like this as long as she could remember.  Even as a child she didn't seem to have any real interest in life.  She loved to read fantastic stories about men and women who had grand adventures.  Slaying dragons, going on quests, discovering new lands, this is what she wanted.  But even the joy from reading a book had diminished to the point where reading seemed like a chore instead of a pleasure.  She had a few friends, but they had slowly seperated themselves from her when she didn't show any interest in their outings.  It wasn't as if she hated being alive, just that she didn't really see what she had to offer anyone, let alone the world.

Sarah never drank, didn't do any illicit drugs, she didn't even smoke.  On the outside she was wholesome and sweet, but deep down she was dead.  There was no fire, no passion, in anything.  Somehow she had gotten through her childhood well enough, not many people noticed the glazed look she wore.  But, this act was getting harder and harder.  Her classmates surely noticed something, they never invited her out to the bars and clubs they seemed to like to frequent, which honestly was a relief to Sarah.  But now she would have to step out into the real world.  What would she do, where would she go?  Questions!  More questions, with no answers.

Two months after the all too familiar lunch with her mother, Sarah had found a job of sorts.  She would be joining a practice with an old family friend at a marriage counseling firm.  Hah!  Marriage counseling.  What did she know of that?  She had never been married, she had only had a string of useless relationships.  Even those didn't last too long, the guys quickly found out they were dating a robot.  A woman who operated on a steady diet of class, work and occasional sex.  Not that the sex was exciting or even good, she only did it out of neccessity to the current man she was dating.  So now she just remained single.  This was where her problem lie, how was she supposed to help the men and women she counseled?  Oh sure, she knew the mechanics of how to help a couple work on their issues, not that she would ever have serious cases in the beginning.  But still, a textbook problem solving exercise wasn't what these people were looking for.  They could get that from any self-help book on the shelf.  No, they wanted what she could not possibly give... How does a marriage last?