Tagged And Other Shit | diary

Faded Away

What a surprise.

I always thought I'd be the one to leave first, but I'm surprised it was you. If only it was the other way around, maybe it wouldn't be as painful as it is now. Maybe....just maybe.

My night was dull as I lay there, wondering what I did wrong or what we did? I felt suddenly bare and exposed to the world in a different way and I just didn't understand.

My eyes stayed dry, no tears were able to escape them. I wonder why? My expression was lifeless but my mind was racing with thoughts, the thought of you was lingering there.

I wish I never met you. Things would be different that way. I wish we were still strangers.

As the cool air nipped at my skin, I just stared out the window far out to the flickering lights that belonged to people's houses and illuminating the empty road with the warm light. Everywhere else was dark - I felt the emptiness screaming at me.

Telling me how worthless I was and how I messed up everything. Yet I still couldn't cry. My mind just wondered over the good time on replay and I had to laugh softly at how I was acting as if we knew eachother for years and years.

I wanted to cry, to scream, to hit myself, to fall. But something inside me was holding me up, telling me to keep strong. Strangest thing, it was you.

I'm hurt, my wounds have come undone and are now fresh and raw. I'm confused. Lost. Tired. Scared.

What should I do now? I tried to distract myself by doing random things but millions of questions still haunted me until I just gave up and layed on my bed, over thinking how stupid I was for still wanting this to all be a joke and you were just playing around.

It would've been better if you just let me know, instead of shutting me out of your world, closing the wide door and leaving me alone to drown in the horrible darkness I once feared.

Didn't you tell me to not be afraid? How can I not be? We never got to finish our conversation did we? Shame.

My box is becoming smaller as the seconds go by, the thick walls closing in around my body until my knees met my chest and all that was left was for me to hug myself — reassuring myself that it'll be okay.

Will it be?

It never occurred to you that you made me happy. Maybe because you're living in a universe that was so different to mine, somewhere the sun shines brighter and the grass was greener on your side. I'm happy for you though, just wish you would let me feel the sun too — even happiness can be your enemy sometimes.

The once colourful shades were starting to wear off and they become faded, now all I see is the remaining traces of stains. I thought I had this, I thought it was fine, I thought I was fine.

But clearly I'm not. I shouldn't need you like I do now. I shouldn't want to cry on your shoulder. I shouldn't want to ask you what I did wrong. I shouldn't want to love like I still do. I should stop. But I can't.

It was so bittersweet wasn't it?

I'm going insane day by day, I can't cry. I just smile sadly as I go over the funny conversations we had in my brain, go over how I happily said goodbye that one week not knowing it could've been the last one ever.

I wish I spoke more. I wish I laughed more. I wish I made the most out of it - so when it ended, it would be worth remembering by you.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now we are faded colours, a feather of lost hope flying freely into the whirling wind, a chain of young love that got tossed under the carpet by accident, a boy and a girl with no idea whatsoever what they wanted from eachother.

Friends.

I need you so much as a friend now, I need you as a whole, as the person I learned to accept despite his mistakes. As the lost boy who was lost in the midst of fame, popularity and light. He's alone too. I wish you needed me as much I do. Maybe you do. Maybe you don't.

We never got the chance to know before the arrow pointed in a different direction. I guess this is goodbye for now, I'm curious to see what fate has in for us.

Because for now, we faded away.