When I think of anything happening to him, I immediately begin to lose my way. I don't think he realises that though, I think he knows I care as a person but he will never understand that I will never fully get over the way he whispers to me when I need him too, and how he holds me when I can't hold myself. He isn't the person I'm supposed to spend my life with but in this moment, he is my soulmate. I feel myself intertwined with him emotionally. When we argue and we fight and I tell him I don't care and I don't need him, I'm not lying – but the way we have been this past few months...
He is everything I've ever needed but never cared to admit. Maybe sometimes I feel that I deserve better and although this may be true, I will never feel this way for another. Its as if although I'm not in love with him, he is my first love. The love I carry for him is so indescribable and I will never be able to word how he makes me feel when I turn over in the night and I feel him beside me. Its not security or happiness like a real love, its more just 'You are here and you're with me and I hope that the time we get to have together is at least okay'. I don't expect much from us. I don't think well be in touch in the years to come but I know that anytime I hear his name, for the rest of my life, I will shiver with a beautiful saudade. My first love who unknowingly will haunt me forever. Maybe we were cliché, perhaps we 'burnt too bright too quickly', perhaps ill never know. All I know is that I wish things were different, because he... he is everything.
