What We Once Were

What We Once Were (1)

Gabe's Pov~

"Run!"

The urgency in her voice made me not hesitate. I ran and the second I heard the gunshot I knew I'd made the wrong decision.

I went back but I was too late. There lay her body, so lifeless, i couldn't believe it. I fell on my knees and started shaking her body.

"Mom! Mom!, oh god this can't be happening."

"Aah." I woke up screaming. I looked at my alarm clock and saw that it was 7:50am. I jumped out of bed and hopped into the shower.

In the shower I let the cold water flow down my body and wake up my senses.

Same dream different day. I don't know what to do. I just don't know. Therapy's supposed to help make these dreams go away but it's been about three months and they're still recurring.

I hop out of the shower and get dressed. On my way downstairs I grab my glasses and am out the door before my dad or stepmom have the chance to stop me. In my car I rest my head on the wheel and scream out of frustration. Starting the car I zoom out of the driveway and head to school.

I miss her so much. My mom, she was my best friend and she's gone, now I'm all alone. It hurts, it hurts so much. My mom and Lily were my happiness and I lost both of them. Lily may have not died that died but our friendship sure did.

It hurts seeing her happy with other people. Lily was my everything. It hurts knowing I won't ever be close to her again. Oh it hurts. So fucking much. She was my reason for living.

Other than my mom of course. I miss her, a lot. I'm all alone in this world, she left me, she didn't even say goodbye. That's what hurts the most, we never got to say goodbye.

"Gabe dude, you there?"

My friend Jake nudged me and that snapped me out of my thoughts. We were in the hall and kids were all around us rushing to get to class.

I don't fucking know what to do. She's all I ever think about anymore. It makes me wonder if pushing her away was the right thing to do. Obviously it didn't matter to her because she seems perfectly fine. Like me not being around her doesn't affect her at all.

"Uh yeah, im fine, let's get to class."

Luck wasn't on my side today because as soon as I turned around the corner I had to bump into her. She didn't even say anything. She just picked up her books and left.

It hurt. The first physical contact we've had in months and she can't even look me in the eyes. She can't even stand being near me. God! I don't blame her. I can't even stand myself.

The day after my moms funeral is always on my mind. It's the day I decided to end our friendship. It was raining and we were at the park.

"No. You don't mean it."

I wanted to scream out "i don't, Lil I love you."
But i looked at her and said nothing.

"Gabe....tell me you don't mean it."

There were tears rolling down her beautiful face, making her freckles more evident. My heart broke right then and there.

"What did i do? I-I can fix it, I'll be more, whatever you want. Please just please, don't leave me."

I wanted to tell her "i won't.  You're my whole world." But alas I said nothing. I couldn't bare to look at her anymore, so I left.

The last thing I heard her say was faintly a whisper but I heard it alright.

With her voice breaking she said "you were all I had left, and now I don't even have you."

God not a second goes by that I don't think about that day. She must hate me. I was such an idiot, i still am. I did it for the best though, If i could go back to that day i would do everything exactly how it happened. Was it the right thing to do? I don't know but it's too late and the damage has already been done. That doesn't mean i liked the decision, but it had to be made. And now I have to live with it, and suffer the consequences.

I wish i wasn't such a nerd. I over analyze everything. Another reason on my long long list of why I hate myself. Depression takes a toll on the mind.

"Earth to Gabriel," my English teacher Mr. Gregory said snapping me out of whatever dark part of my mind my brain decided to take me to this time.

"Uh yeah, sorry sir."

"As i was saying you're going to be doing and independent study on..."

I tuned him out and stared blankly out of the window. The next two classes were a blur and I found myself walking to the library. The librarians love me. I honestly don't even know why. I'm not a good person.

She's always in there. Every day, she's always there. With a new book in her hand. I never quite did understood her fascination with books. Not a day would go by that i didn't see her with a book in her hand. You could never tear her away from them. I used to have to pry them from her hands whenever I wanted her attention but the she'd end up pouting and fuck I couldn't take away one of the only things that made her happy.

When I get to the library my eyes immediately searched for her. I found her where's she's always at, by the window with a book in both her hands. Getting her undivided attention. I remember when I used to get that. I really fucked up.

I just volunteered there because i knew she'd always show. It was a chance for me to be around her and watch her from afar. Pathetic right? I know.

All I do in the library is return books to their rightful spots, taking secret glances at her whenever I can. She has these ocean blue eyes you could just get lost in. Her fiery red hairy that tumbled over her shoulder always made her stand out. She used to say she hated it, but I loved it all. She's the kind of beautiful that's just indescribable. She doesn't try to stand out, in fact she tries her best not to bring any attention to herself.

I think that's what made her so breathtakingly beautiful, the fact that she tries to hide her beauty.

Don't even get me started on her laugh. The way she can laugh without a care in the world, so rambunctiously it's just beautiful. When i first heard it i felt as if it rang right through me, leaving a trail of rosy red spray paint and muddied footsteps. I was shocked when I first heard her joyous and blissful laugh. It's the little things that make her stand out, the things you notice, if and only if you play close attention to her, which is all I ever seem to do now.

I go to the park where I ended things with her almost everyday. I don't know what I gain from going there. I just get flashbacks of the night my life changed and the day I realized I didn't have anyone but myself anymore. Sometimes i think I'm masochistic, I enjoy being in pain, I deserve it.

I am not a good person.

Good people don't break others.

Good people don't leave their mothers to fend for themselves they protect them. My therapist says that I shouldn't blame myself for what happened to her but how can i not? It is indeed my fault. I shouldn't have listened to her, i should have stayed, maybe then she'd be alive.

I deserve to be in pain and I deserve to spend the rest of my life alone and deserted.

It should've been me mom, not you, you didn't deserve it.