What We Once Were

What We Once Were (3)

Gabe's Pov~

"It wasn't your fault." My therapist Dr. Shumer said. "There was no possible way you could've known he had a gun." 

I looked at him but said nothing. "Gabe do you believe in God? Or are you religious?"

"At this point i don't know." I answered him truthfully.

He sighed. "Well, Christians believe that every person who dies is being called up to heaven because God needs them and that they have served their time on Earth. Maybe your mom had done what she was sent down here to do and it was time for her to go back up to heaven. Have you ever thought that was a possibility?" I shrug my shoulders. "Gabe what I want you to do is stop blaming yourself, you need to stop beating yourself up over something that has already happened. On something you have no control over. When my father died I was depressed for weeks, I couldn't  talk, I couldn't eat, I did nothing but stay in my room and cry. And yes I cried like a girl but in my defense I was but a freshman in high school." I laughed at that and he continued talking "but the thing is I didn't understand why he died, why it had to be my father, out if everyone else why him?
But then one day my mom came into my room and said "honey, we have no control over who dies and who lives, i wish you'd stop beating yourself up over it because it was no way in any shape or form your fault. These things they-they happen for a reason, and we have to live with it. Now this is not what your father would have wanted for you, he wouldn't want you wasting your life up here in this room doing nothing. If anything he'd want you out there living life, he wouldn't want you to waste it. He'd want you to make the best of what you've got. " it took me a while but I finally decided to stop dwelling on the past and go live my life because my father wouldn't have wanted me to let life go on without me, so what I'm trying to say here Gabriel is that your mom loved you, she still does and she loves you enough to want you to move on, that doesn't mean forget about her, she just wants you to be happy." He said in all seriousness.

I sighed "The only person left in this world who can make me happy hates my existence."

"Liliane doesn't hate you."

"Oh trust me she does." I said looking down at my feet.

"No, what you need to do is go to her and apologize, go explain why you pushed her away."

"I can barely even be in the same room with her let alone tell her why I didn't want to be friends with her anymore."

"You need to apologize to her because believe it or not you need her, she's your lifeline." I let out an exasperated sigh.

"The next time you see her, ask her if you guys can talk, if she says no, ask her again, beg her if you have to, just do whatever it takes to make up with her, do whatever it takes to win back her forgiveness."

"Because you may not know it yet, but Gabe, you're head over heels in love with that girl."

"I knew it since the first time you brought her up in therapy. Just the way your eyes lit up when you would talk about her favorite hobbies, about how annoyed you'd get because she favored books over you, how you two had been best friends since you were kids, how when her mom left she cried on your shoulders for hours and you had never experienced more hate for an adult than in that moment when you thought of her mother."

He paused for a second and looked at my face. "Shall I go on?" He said with that all knowing smirk in his face. "Or are you finally starting to see what I've know all along?"

Now it's his turn to laugh as I roll my eyes at him.

"And i think that's all the time we have for today James." I say standing up. He laughs even harder and I make my way to the door.

"Wait!!" He says catching his breath. "But in all seriousness Gabe, apologize to the girl, did you think about how she must be feeling in all of this, you just left her."

I sighed and said "I'll think about it." Saying goodbye I closed the door and walked to my car.

I drive to the park and i sit on one of the swings. "This park holds so many memories." I say to myself.

Lil and i started coming here when we were just kids. I remember her making me promise we'd stay friends forever.

"Gabe, you pwomise to never leave me?"

"I pwomise."

"Don't break the pwomise other wise Mr. Teddy bear will come for you." She said with a serious face on.

"Oh no, not Mr. Teddy bear, he scares me." I said running away.

"Gaaaaabee, don't leave me come bwack, i scared." Lil said and started crying.

I ran back to her and gave her a hug. "I'm sorry Lil, im sorry." I kept repeating to her as I ran my fingers through her hair.

"You said you'd never leave Gabe, but you left." 

"Im sorry, I'm so sorry." I repeated.

"Why'd you leave, why'd you leave me all alone."

"I promise to never do that again Lil, I promise."

Turns out I'm not good at keeping promises because I left her alone again. She really must hate me. I want her back in my life more than anything.

I know it was the right thing to cut her out of my life, because im so fucked up right now. Im afraid it's beyond repair. 

If it was the right thing, why does it hurt so much?

Why does every moment feel longer and more painful without her in it?

Why do I feel so alone at night?

Why do I miss you?

I know I hurt you, a lot, but that hurt doesn't even compare to how hurt I am without you.

In all honesty the real reason I haven't apologized to Lily yet is that I fear I may have broken the one person I love and I am no where near ready to see the damage I've caused the one person I love more than anything in the world.