What We Once Were

What We Once Were (2)

Lily's Pov~

Broken.

I'm anything but okay.

I pretend that I am but trust me I'm broken on the inside. I don't know how I do it, how I can pretend that the one thing that's hurting me most doesn't matter. As if it never happened, as if that night never happened. If i weren't so affected by it I could. I could move on and forget about it.

About him.

About how my only reason for living just up and walked right out of my life, and without knowing it along with him went my heart and the only man I had ever come to love.

You know what I don't get? How he could just do it. If our friendship meant anything to him at all then how could he just rip my heart into pieces and walk away as if nothing had just happened. As if I wasn't relavant to his life anymore, as if i never were. He made me feel so unwanted, so worthless, and hopeless. It was the worst thing I had ever experienced.

To this day I tell myself he didn't mean it. That if what we had, what we were, and how we felt was real he'd be back. I can't accept that it's over, that's he's actually done with me. I just I, I can't. If it wasn't real then what was it even? A waste of time? I refuse to believe that. Deep down I know I meant something to him. I just know it.

"Lil, let's get to class." My friend Stacey says, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, yeah you go ahead. I have to get my books out of my locker." I say leaving.

What I really needed out of my locker was the book I was currently reading. I can never go anywhere without a book with me. Books are my escape, they're what I turn to when I have no one else, books make me forget about everything shitty that's going on in my life, books are my solitude.

As I was making my way to class, I bumped into a wall.

At least that's what I thought it was at first. I looked up and saw the one person I'd least expected to see. He looked so beautiful. He was my reason for living, nothing else, just him. He alone could make every fiber in my being come to life, the way he smiled would make my knees go weak. I used to see that smile everyday, I used to hear his hearty laugh everyday, he'd be the last person I'd hear before falling into a deep sleep.

He used to be my everything.

I couldn't believe my eyes, I quickly picked up my books and walked to class. Walked right by him as if it wasn't heartbreaking, as if I wasn't leaving behind the very thing that gave me the strength to live, as if he was just another stranger. Walking away from him as if he didn't matter was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

I found myself not walking to class but going to the bathroom. I walked into a stall and just collapsed.

I broke down.

Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. It's raw, everything is. Raw tears, raw emotions, i can't stop.

Why can't I stop crying?

As I thought about how alone I was in the world now, I slammed into the bathroom door, I didn't care who saw or heard. None of them mattered to me. As much as I tried to hold it in, the pain came from my throat in the form of a silent scream.

Get yourself together Lil, I told myself. I took a deep breath and opened the stall, I walked up to the sink and wiped my face. I tried making myself look normal, as if I hadn't just broken down in this very room, grabbed my things and headed to class.

I slipped into my seat before Stacey could get a look at my face and I buried myself into my book. The good thing about English class is that the teacher doesn't berate you for not paying attention if it's because you're reading. Well my teacher Ms. Sky doesn't bother me but I think it's only because i never give her any trouble, and I have a good grade in her class.