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Story is called: Never Enough
These days we live in a society that revolves around how attractive a person is. I mean, people can become famous for their looks! And often, society uses appearance as an excuse not to like somebody.
Argh! That's not what I'm trying to say! Ok, let me just tell you a story about me. One I don't tell a lot of people.
Thing is, I don't tell people my problems because I think I can handle them on my own. Or that my problems aren't good enough for other people. I don't want to drive someone into my mess because that would hurt the person. Another thing, it's pretty obvious, I hate myself. I mean, I joke around about it with my friends and I act like it's no big deal. But ya, I hate myself. I mean, it's pretty much been that way ever since I was little. People would compliment me, but it would just go over my head, mainly because I didn't believe that. I mean, HA! Me? Why compliment me? I'm so useless. My standards have always been idealistically high because I thought I wasn't good enough, and I often(and still do) push myself past my limits because I never believe I'm good enough. I always believe I should try harder because I was never as good as anyone else. Everyone else was SO much better than me. It got so bad to the point where I had believed I didn't contribute anything to anyone because I felt I was useless. I felt like I should kill myself or hurt myself because I would 'never be of use to anyone' or 'I just hurt everyone'. It was even when people complimented me, I still felt useless. Even now I push myself so hard and I improve, but it's never enough. 'There's always a way you could get better, you're so useless, you don't deserve it, go kill yourself. Why are you still here? Everything you do will never change anything. YOU'RE NEVER ENOUGH.' I would wear myself out because I always thought that if I didn't get better, everyone would stop loving me, or I would be thrown out, or even that if i did do better they would actually 'LOVE' me and not lie about it. It... it's like climbing stairs that keep going on forever, even when you think you're about to reach the end. And it's like something is holding you back, keeping you from reaching the end. I mean, even my self image was low, as you can tell. I had no control. I felt as if control was just an illusion because so much had already been taken away from me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everyone in my life, I love them. Though I feel as though I'm the spoiled brat and I'm not appreciative enough. I feel as though I'm never going to reach my expectations for myself because they're so high. And that need for control got bigger and bigger and BIGGER, until it felt like there were thousands of chains around me. People would talk to me, but it wasn't really 'ME'. It was like I was in an unending daze and I would never get out of it, stuck in my own mind, never truly being able to be happy. Because I felt I wasn't enough. But eventually my mind wanted to change that, it controlled who I talked to and what I ate, it controlled EVERYTHING. Eventually I pushed people away and I really was 'alone'. And the biting feeling only got bigger and bigger and BIGGER AND BIGGER, and I just wanted it to stop. The pain wouldn't go away no matter what I did, and it seemed like things were only getting worse. It was like my mind and my life were telling me to die. It swirled lower and lower and lower, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I built up walls and rules thinking they would stop the sad feelings in my head, but they never did. All they did was make it worse. I felt my body, feelings, virtue... I felt they weren't enough. And the feeling in my head was unbearable, so unbearable. Whispering that it only wanted to help me... that the only way to make it end was to kill myself. And I tried to listen to that voice. But the fear of dying kept me alive. Though sometimes now I'll be ok, other times I'm completely broken down in my own rules and fears. And I fear I will never be
GOOD ENOUGH.
(A/n: Most of these feelings were actually how I feel and If I'm honest, this was hard for me to write. But I did it because I'm always confronting my feelings. Anyways, thanks for reading. Also, If you know me in real life, please don't EVER ask about this. Thank you.)
