Addict

Ch.1 Disappearing Act

"My sister has always had the best of everything. I have always had next to the best.  A few examples are her hand-me-down clothes, toys and books. My sister was valedictorian of her class.  She went from homecoming court year after year to prom queen. I have always done well with my studies.  However, I never exceeded any exaggerated expectations.

I have always lingered outside of the bubble. Always been present, in attendance, but never participated more than what was necessary. I've always felt uninvited, overlooked, cursed even.  Amongst my best friends, I was the loner.  Not by choice, more like by force.  I didn't choose this life, I've just survived it."

As I look out across the crowd all of the faces are a blur.  My head feels feverish, and my heart feels heavy.  I'm trying to focus on my papers in my hand, but random words jump out, and jumble up. I recited this speech to myself without any hesitation last night, then again this morning. 'I just need to focus and breath.'

I hear someone cough softly in the distance. This brings me out of my daze slightly, and I look up into Anna's piercing blue eyes. There she is, looking right at me, waiting. "I am here for her," I whisper to myself, then I glance back at my prepared speech. With a dry mouth, so tight that I find it difficult to swallow, I take one last deep breath.

I begin, "My sister makes friends so easy. She's always the center of attention. She's the kind of girl that makes you stop, look, and stare."  I can't look up, if I stop now I will never get through this.  'Anna will eat me alive, and never invite me back.  Well by the time I finish she probably will still eat me alive.  I never want to come back anyways.'

With that last thought I push my fears down. I place the papers on the wooden podium in front of me. I have rehearsed this speech for two weeks, I don't need notes, but standing on the stage alone feels terrifying. So I look up into the audience, and lock eyes once more with my sister. 

 "The first time that I noticed my sister has a problem it scared me half to death.  She almost died that night, and there was nothing I could do to help her.  For the first time in our lives, she wasn't "Miss perfect" anymore.  Everyone else in my family thought  her first overdose was an "isolated incident, or mistake, because girls like her weren't raised to be junkies, and with a life like hers she would never intentionally commit suicide."

As I speak to the audience about how people used to percieve Anna I feel myself loosen up just a bit. As if I could hear those words being spoken by my parents friends just a few feet away from me. They were so concerned with how the world saw them, they never saw me as I stood against the wall in the corridor of the intensive care unit  outside of my sister's room.

I focus my attention back to the crowd as I state firmly, “I knew better. I mean what's not 'intentional' about a suicide?"

I'm not exactly sure why I deviated from my speech to ask this question to the crowd. As I feel heat creeping up my neck I look around realizing just how many faces are looking at me attentively. They're hanging on every word I say, waiting.  

As a reaction to the anxiety that I feel stirring in the pit of my stomach I look down at the podium, and wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans. I hear a door slam. This causes me to flinch.  I look towards the door, then to Anna.  She's gone. 

 I release a breath that's been caught in my panic, and grip the sides of the wooden stand.  Without my sister here to anchor me I don't know what to say, and with wobbly legs I can't go after her.  Not with so many people watching.  I whisper under my breathe, “What to do? What to do?”

'I speak.  I'm here to speak on her behalf.'

 "It's not easy standing up here, speaking to a crowd of strangers.  It's not easy to be afraid of something, and to feel forced into it.  I know it's not easy for my sister to come here." These new words are spilling out of my mouth without any thought behind them. Now I just feel the urge to defend myself, so I do just that by defending my sister.