Not All Skin And Bones

I strummed my guitar one final time before tossing it behind myself. Attached to it's tether, my guitar hung, and I sat down on the chair that suited my keyboard's height just perfectly. It was a gift. Quite honestly I think it was a good one because I've been using it for a good five years now. I looked at my watch and sighed. Then, I looked at the hat that sat on the floor filled with dimes and a few generous dollar bills...

What am I doing here? I'm not a musician, I just like music. I'm not a poet, I just cry a lot. I only do covers and the songs I write fall to pieces in front of a crowd. I can't compose; I can't sing, and I can't even draw in a wandering two year old with an ice cream stained shirt and loss for words at what an instrument is.

I should be at work doing overtime. This does bring in income, sure, no matter how little, and considering this is my one free day of the week between my two and a half jobs that, again, only bring in little income, it should be spent relaxing right?! This isn't relaxing at all. It's painful. Realization sweeps over you when you're a troubled single mother with no talent and no future. With a son that has glistening eyes and high hopes for this cruel world you live in; its just so frustrating.

Though I feel complete at the sound of a strum, or keys, the octave, or the harmony, I have never experienced a full serenity. Even with the passionate love I have for my son Nate I feel disappointment. I only think of how he'll grow and how Ill fail as he does. A hatred of myself will fall over both of us and I'm not ready. I cracked my pinky and index fingers. It's a bad habit..

Finally, against all odds- I smiled, and I stared out at an audience I wish was there. I dreamed of looking at a crowd that was willing to support my son and I. It was going to be a long day, and I hoped I could sing through all this misery- because it's not like I haven't before.

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