Not All Skin And Bones

"Barlights"

It felt like I was dragging.

It felt as if my soul was too heavy of a burden to carry. All these memories, all that pain, all the heartache swept over me like an unforgiving wave; a wave I was not ready to lose my breath to.

Nate cried through every second of it.

He was also afraid.

It was nearing 10:00 on a Friday night and I didn't want to be home.

"Margaret." I had dialed the buttons as if I was already drunk. "Margaret?"

"Hello?" Her voice was worried on the other side.

"Could you watch Nate tonight?"

"Sure thing- I'll be right over- are you alright?"

I nodded, knowing she could not see me or understand, and hung up the phone.

...

"Give me anything." I slurred, slamming myself into a stool at the center of the bar.

The bartender shook his head and gave me something real heavy. He had a knowing look; I doubt I was the first sad soul he'd seen today, but boy, I must've been the saddest.

I felt the poison slide down my throat, filling the pit in my stomach. "Oh." I moaned aloud, my voice was raspy, groggy, tired.

A few heavy drinks later I switched barstools to one near the side. I couldn't hold myself up anymore. I leaned against the wall, unable to support myself any longer.

From the bar I watched fights break out, skanky girls prance around, fights break out about the skanky girls, people collapse (physically and emotionally) people vomit, laugh, cry, and overall ruin themselves.

I'm sure these were all good people I was watching... at one point... in some aspect.

Who was I too judge, though?

"Lizzy." Somebody shook me awake, I hadn't realized that I had been dozing off. "Lizzy what the hell are you doing?" The voice was sharp.

I waved Nate away. "I'm f-ine." I struggled to push out the phrase as I let out a hiccup.

He grabbed my shoulders and spin me around to face him. "This is disgusting." He spat. "You're better than this. You hear me? Lizzie, you're better than this."

You're better than this.
You're better than this.
You're better than this.

That was it.

I shouted. At the top of my lungs, not that anybody in the bar cared, given the current amount of commotion around me, which was by far, much more interesting than yet another crazy lady outbreak, I shouted. "I know!"

I began with a loud tone. I was fed up. I was yelling, I was angry. My emotions, however, soon caught up with me, and I began to cry as I screamed. "I know, Nate! I know!" Now I was standing; slouching.

"And that's why it's so god damn frustrating!" I let go of my drink and turned my full attention to him. "I work my ass off every god damn day of my life and what do I get? What do I get, Nate? I'll tell you what I get! A dinner and a show!" I grabbed a hold of my cup again, lifted it in the air, and gave Nate a mocking "cheers" gesture before taking a late swig.

"Here's my drink!" I chugged and let out a loud "ahh." "And here's my show!" I gestured to the bar.

"I'm a fucking mess." I said directly to him. "My life- is a mess, Nate. What the fuck do you want me to do? Knowing that I deserve more isn't enough, and clearly I'm not capable of working towards that either so what's the point? What- is-the- point?" I laughed.

"Leave me here to die."

Nate was silent the whole time. He stared me down; fire igniting within his bright eyes. "I'll tell you what the point is, Lizzie." He looked furious. He looked hurt. "You have a child back at that dump, sitting on the couch, twiddling his thumbs, and waiting for his mother to come home." He continued. "And I'll tell you what- life fucking sucks for most of us."

He spoke blankly. "But I made a promise to that boy that I would bring him his mother back so he could have a chance. So that maybe- maybe- in this god forsaken world he could find a light that neither one of us shit heads could find." Nate looked done. "So what the hell are you doing, Lizzie?"

"This is disgusting." He reiterated. "You're better than this."

I fell into Nate's arms, giving him a huge hug that he also returned. I smiled into his neck, taking in the most genuine thing any human being has ever said to me with an absolutely grateful attitude.

You're better than this.

I am.

...

Woo!!!! An update!!! :D sorry I've been gone a while? Did ya miss me ??? ^.^ probs not .-. Well anyways- hope you liked this! Vote/comment/share xxxxx MWAH!!! ~ thegreenofyoureyes