Does it matter that I'm fatter?

5- Don't look

Who was I kidding, I knew it would come to this and I'm as nervous as ever. Did I really think I could face him? Well guess what, I can't. Everyone's getting ready and I can't find a single thing that makes me look half as fat as I already do. We're having lunch at a restaurant in town with the Sambos'. I try to playout the emotional breakdown thing again, but mom would have none of it. Dad just gave me this ice cold stare and I shut my mouth so fast my teeth rattled. My dad is the scariest person in the world to cross paths with, a hint of disappointment in his stare has the ability to sting in my heart for months if not years. I  immediately turn to Fatimah looking like the cat caught my tongue and she immediately accepts the plea in my eye, I want her to fix me. Fatimah's got something in two seconds, the dress does fit but I still have to pull my stomach in so you don't see the bulge. My arms look like elephant trunks and I lift them up to have an idea of how bad it's fat will shake if I point to something. I feel my heart sink when I realise how pathetic I am. I can't stay so I do the only other thing I can think of. I scramble In my draw for the niqab Aunty Galeemah brought from Makkah last year.

I only put the niqab on when we're already getting out of our mini van. my mom and dad give each other questioning stares once they realise it's me as we're busy seating ourselves at the biggest table they could find. Sarah starts laughing like someone's tickling her, I wish she wouldn't be so straight forward about how dumb I am.
"You're really being unnecessary." My mom says in a sigh.
She checks her phone and then says she's going to call Aunty Khafsah to hear how far they are. I don't mind, not just because I'd rather just they took a raincheck, but also because I'm thinking about how hard it is to get nine people ready before lunch on a Sunday morning.

It's 12:00am when they arrive and I greet everyone I can. I see Rhidha coming on behind with Eesa on his back and a smile on his face. He looks like the poster guy for an 'ultimate Muslim hubby' campaign on Instagram or something. I should probably tell you what he looks like, I know you're dying to know. So he's really tall and not anything like ripped or buff, but muscular in a simple sense. He's got black eyes, maybe a little brown but more black. His skin is fair with a slight tan. His hair is okay I guess, not movie star sleek at all but it looks good on him. To be honest though it is nice that his handsome but all I can see is how he's carrying a smiling Eesa on his back and I picture how he'll carry my kids in the same way.

Ridha's parents are kind enough not to ask about the niqab and Ridha who's sitting atleast four seats away from me says nothing as well.  I can't stop the kids from asking though. They live in a world where questions have no price and only makes you richer. Saffiyah, she's eight, wants to know if I'm in niqab now and I say no I'm just having a bad face day. I hear Ridha let out a little laugh and YAY! for me I've got a niqab on so as far as he knows I'm a blush free Zone. I realise too late that I gave the wrong answer if I planned to end the conversation there. I spend the whole time talking to Saffiyah, and a ten year old kauthar, about face wash and Niqab's and have a horrible time trying to eat a burger because everytime I take a bite I turn all the way around to Sarah (who's having a blast by the way), take a bite and put the niqab down before turning back where Rhidha is in hindsight. How do those niqabi's do it?!

Life is full of firsts. The first time you wear a niqab in public. The first time you have a family lunch with your fiance. The first time in three years you're in person with your fiance and you go and wear a niqab. The first in a really long time you took a doggy bag home instead of gulping every last crumb  in sight. Some firsts just shouldn't be legal.