MY WATTPAD BOOK CRITIQUES - ROUND ONE (Plus a Valentine's Day Special)

EDARON by TheToxicMonkey

Hey Jacqueline! Here’s my review for your book. :D

I.                   WRITING STYLE CRITIQUE

These are the parameters where I base my critique for your writing style:

1)     Paragraphing

2)     Punctuations

3)     Spelling

4)     Word usage

5)     Sentence construction

For the technicalities of writing, there’s not much problem with it at all just some occasional errors. Paragraphing is done well, and same goes for the other four. However, I’ve noticed an error in word usage.

This one:

“…. his sapphire eyes were full of dismal and sadness…”

The word “dismal” here is an adjective, so it should not be used. Instead, use the noun form of the word—“dismalness”.

Or, to make it better (dismalness followed by sadness sounds awkward :D) you can try this one:

“….his sapphire eyes were dismal and full of sadness…”

            In this sentence, the word “dismal” is now describing the word “eyes”.

And that’s it for the writing stuff.

II.                STORY CRITIQUE

While I do like Sci-fi action movies, I can’t really say I’m a major fan of Sci-fi books nor have I read a Sci-fi book before (that is, as far as I can remember though). So thank you for making me read one. ^_^

Anyway, why do I get the feeling that the grandpa (Lopor) is a villain? Tell me if I’m wrong though. :D

The story is quite unique actually, and quite intriguing. It reminds me of a classic book in literature entitled UTOPIA. The way you described the world of Edaron was as if it’s the perfect society, and then you drop some hints that perhaps it isn’t. It’s something that makes the reader curious about what will happen next (I for one am curious) however, I suggest that you accelerate the pacing of the story a bit. (Yeah, I just want to know what will happen next :D)

One thing I’ve also noticed is that in the prologue-like chapter of Edaron, you mentioned that Ronians do and are good. As in halo-over-your-head kind of good, but I’ve noticed in chapter 7, Fiske’s mom hates her and maltreats her. So I feel that it contradicts the Ronian nature. The same goes for the ability to trust. When you trust, you believe right? Or perhaps an equivalent of that, but how come Fiske was so skeptical when Lori was having a vision? She even thought that the latter was faking it.  That’s another one of the contradictions.

That would be all, and do continue your love for writing.

LOVE,

VOIDSPACE :)