Dancing On My Own

its been weeks maybe. i'm not sure. ever since you left i've had trouble keeping track of the date. i try to stay focused, but my mind always wanders back to that night- the night you left and haven't yet bothered to come back and i haven't tried to go see you because you said not to. i'm trying to respect your wishes you see.

you left your favorite blanket; the one you and luna worked together to make. sometimes i like to sit outside under our tree as the leaves slowly spiral down like our love did, and just hold the blanket in my lap. it gives me a sense of safety. because you're my safety blanket; did you not know? you left your favorite sweater too; the one you bought in muggle london. you said it was rather comfortable and you suppose it'd be nice to have. you wore it a lot. i loved you in that sweater because it fit a little too big around your lank frame, and it would hang slightly off your shoulder, exposing the pale, creamy skin of your neck and collarbone. you left me; who you said was the most important person to you. you'd hold me at night, or sometimes i'd hold you, and you'd talk about how happy you finally were. how happy i made you. i guess things change.

somebody said you got a new friend. they said that you've been hanging with a girl and that she looks as though she's related to you. 'probably trying to keep up with tradition. you know keeping it in the family, eh harry?' ron had been trying to make me laugh but i just wanted to cry. i saw you the other day. you were wearing a new sweater. i hope she didn't buy it for you. do you also got a new blanket? it seems that you've been replacing things lately.

does she love you better than i can? no one could love you more than me. you know that don't you? didn't the nights we spent curled in each other's arms, me brushing my thumb across your cheek, laying light kisses all over your face, occasionally dipping slightly lower to nip at the skin of your neck and you'd make little gasps as i did so, mean anything to you? i'd mumble over and over that "i love you" and "i'm yours forever," and you'd say that you were always mine, and that you loved me more than you could explain.

there's a big black sky over my town. it's been more rainy than usual. dark clouds flood the sky, painting my sorrows, and dropping my tears. it seems like the weather has been just reflecting my pain and i can't help but hope and wonder if it's reflecting yours too. because if you're hurting too then maybe it can convince you that this is a sign that we should be together.

i heard that you're going to luna's party and you're bringing a plus one. luna said i shouldn't force myself to stay if i don't want to but she's not going to make you not come simply because we broke up. i probably shouldn't go. but i gotta know who you're taking. i need to know if she's better than me. what does she have that i don't? does she love you better than i can?

you haven't looked once at me since you've arrived. maybe you're sending secret glances at me while she and i are not watching. you look beautiful tonight, did you know? of course you do. you've always been confident. as you should be with looks like yours. your soft blue-grey eyes that could melt anyone if you looked at them just right, or if you got angry they would harden and turn a darker blue, freezing the culprit who made the offence. or your soft pink lips that would pout when you didn't get your way. your delicate hands with long pale fingers that so expertly played my heart. your long and lean body, pale, straight and proper. you never slouched unless it was just us. when it was just us you'd slouch, you'd lay in the most absurd positions on the sofa, trying to read your latest book that i'm sure pansy gave you; you were always a sucker for romance.

the more i look at you, the more i think she notices. just now when i turned once again to see you, she pulled you in for a kiss. her hands came to rest on your shoulders, slightly clutching your shirt and she moved in closer, tilting her head back slightly. you put one hand on her face, cradling her cheek and the other right under her jawline. i remember a time where you kissed me with such gentleness, but it hasn't been recently. maybe weeks. my heart hurts and brain is feeling overworked from all of this.

i'm not going to cry. no, not here. i'm gonna wear a smile and go through the motions. i wanna forget the pain and heartache and memorize the feeling of being so casual and free. ginny had pulled me over to have a dance and i let myself go. i stopped the never ending traffic of thought and danced. we spun and laughed. we danced close and breathed heavily. we danced slow and smiled. i might've had too much to drink because at one point during the night i couldn't tell if it was i who was spinning, or the room. i began to think carelessly. things like grabbing you by the hand and pulling you close to me while i catch your surprised eyes and wrap my arms around your neck and you slowly smile at me and place your hands at my waist, coming only slightly closer. or things like stalking over to you and pushing you against the nearest wall and ravishing the awaiting pale skin of your neck and bruising your soft pink lips so that she knows that it's only i who can touch you this way. but i could never do such a thing. not when you're not mine.

are we miles away or simply feet? i have yet to be able to tell with all the tension suspended between the both of us.

i've seen you holding her hands all night. do you like them better than mine? because my hand is rough with calluses and nail biting and hers are soft and delicate? my hands engulf yours and maybe you don't like that anymore. maybe you've decided that you don't like me holding your hands because mine are always cold. which is one of main reasons i'd hold your hands; they were oh so warm. not to mention how much i loved playing with your hands. i loved to kiss your fingertips and tickle your palm. i loved rubbing my thumb over the top of your hand, and kissing your knuckles. i loved tracing the creases on your palms until i knew them so well i could map them on paper. i loved admiring the contrast between your hands and mine. but maybe that's exactly what you were tired of -- the contrast.

luna is saying goodbye by the front door as people shuffle out in laughter and drunk banter. it was somewhere between reminiscing about our memories and you that I decided what i was gonna do. i decided that if you want to continue with what you've now deemed your life as, then i'd let you be in peace. i can't imagine doing something that would only cause you more harm. i love you too much. i've been trying to subtly get your attention before you leave but it's proving to be difficult. i want - no need - closure. i need to hold you close once more. i need to lay light kisses all over your face just once more. i need to clasp your hand in mine and lie with you under the stars while you point out the constellations once more to me. i need time to say goodbye because you left all too sudden. you didn't give me a warning. you just left. give me this one last thing. because i need this one last thing from you. a goodbye.