To Be A Runner

Chapter 14: Thoughts

My fault.
My fault.
My fault.

The thought continues to haunt me even after I return to Abel. It continues after I clean up and eat. It continues as I help Sam learn more Morse Code, although he knows it fairly well by now. And it haunts me now as I lay on my bed, tossing and turning in an attempt to fall asleep.

My fault.
My fault.
My fault.

I know! I'm sorry! I should've done something to save him!

I wrap my head around my small pillow in attempt to stop the voices of guilt in my head. I try so hard not to care, but even though I never knew him he was still a person-a life. He still had goals and dreams just like anyone I cared about. I know if I had known him-really known him-it would be so much worse. The guilt; the voices.

It's not just Lem, it whispers just loud enough to send shivers down my spine. It's Wes. It's Sierra. It's Mom and Dad. It's Julia and Elijah and Jessica and Jeremiah and Uncle Mike and-

I open my mouth in silent scream. Those names are names I never want to think about. I don't like hearing the names of my old friends, but those I'm guilty for. Oh, God...

I'm a murderer. I'm a monster.

I'm sorry...

Sorry will never be enough.

I grit my teeth and force myself out of bed, grabbing my only other pair of shoes besides trainers. I slip them on to keep my feet from getting too cold, although I know I deserve it. I deserve any type of pain and discomfort that comes my way.

It's dark out and past curfew but I don't care to be honest. I just want to get away from this tent. And I do so not caring a bit of what I look like. All messy haired and in my nightgown, with old worn out boots that are far from comfortable, I head outside.

I trudge along, feeling goosebumps rise on my skin. The colder it gets the more I pray that we'll be able to build buildings for people to stay in and not tents, because we already are battling with the epidemic of a zombie plague. Adding colds, strep throat, the flu, and countless other viruses are not something that's needed now, especially considering how little medical supplies Abel has. Even the few I got does little to help.

"Runner Five, what are you doing out here?"

I turn sharply and see Janine. Her blue eyes somehow seem sharper and slightly more terrifying in the dark night, and braided black hair blends into the night behind her. She watches me with arms crossed and a slightly annoyed look. I give her a simple shrug.

'Couldn't sleep.'

"Unlike Morse Code sign language is one thing I wasn't taught, Runner Five."

I sigh and refrain from rolling my eyes as I crouch down and write out my answer in the dirt.

'Couldn't sleep.'

"Ah, I see. Is something troubling you?" She asks, although her voice shows no actual concern.

'You could say that.' I cringe as I feel the dirt collecting under my nail, but I don't think anyone will judge, as long as I clean them before I help out in the kitchen.

"Mr. Yao informed me that you went on your first mission after that night out with the zoms," She says, and her voice once again shows no emotion. "And how you received a headset from a New Canton runner-"

Her words instantly stop as I begin to create words into the cold dirt at my feet. 'His name was Lem.'

"Ah, yes. Mr. Yao mentioned that as well, but I don't see your interest in my knowing his name when you won't tell anyone yours."