My Personal Journal

Entry Two

Dear Anxiety,
I absolutely hate you, well almost every part of you. I hate how you have taken control of my body. Not even just the empty parts of me. No you wanted more of me and you took full control of me. There is nothing left of me. My thoughts are not my thoughts. Just like how my life is not my own. I share it all. I share them with you Anxiety. I hate you. When aren't you controlling my body, making my chest tighten, my heart beat faster then a race horse, my stomach to twist into knots and my breathing to become completely impossible, making me wish I was 10 feet under the cold icy ground instead of go through this? You stand next to me, making sure I never forget my past. You will lean over my shoulder and whisper in my ear your words of torture. I hate you. You know everything. I can't hide anything from you. You know every mistake, every weakness, my every worry, and my fears. But Anxiety. There are very few moments I don't hate you. Thank you for making me speak out. Thank you for teaching me that the people that always look and act happy, the people with the biggest smiles, don't always feel that way. I praise you for dragging me so low that I could never imagine doing that to someone else. You have installed me with compassion and the ability to always remind people of how important that they are, why they matter, and how they are truly unconditional loved, because as we both know you will never let me feel that way. But Anxiety? Everyday you have me waking up on the edge, my mind racing, making lists of all the things I have to do, trying to plan my day, my actions, the way I talk, the way I stand, who I make eye contact with, panicking knowing I'm going to mess something up, everything, always bouncing around never being able to feel like I can sit still, moving from one thing to the next in fear that if I let my mind wander, even for a second, I will fall into a full on panic attack. I feel as if I can never get enough air into my lungs. The days where you make me want to stay in bed all day because of your freakin whispers, the whispers that turn into screams that are so loud in my head. I hear the echoes. I hate you. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. You make me feel as if I can't face people, because I'm not worth taking up space. You cause me to stay up late at night because you never stop whispering to me. I try so hard to stay busy so i don't have the time to think. But Anxiety, if a let my mind wander for even a split second you take that chance to take control. You help my mind to judge me on my day and show me how the small things can change the course of my entire life and how I always mess up at everything,and I can't turn it off. I can't turn my thoughts off no matter how dumb they might be, I cannot follow common knowledge and it makes me even more upset and then you go back inside me, taking over my body and turn it a hot mess. I hate you. You always bring your friends around, and they always stay with me, and I think just like you have they will make a permanent home. Depression, OCD, and even your friend eating disorders. The Depression that tells me how nothing is worth living for. The OCD that constantly makes me check things. The eating disorders that tells me I will never be good enough. I hate you Anxiety, yes with all of me I hate you. But not as much as I hate myself for letting you take over what was once mine.