When All The Darkness Fades Away {Joshler}

ONE

Do we have a purpose?

Do we live each day thinking they can make someone's day? To say hello to the sunshine each morning? To live for the beautiful moments and get through the bad ones?

Or do we simply live? Live to reproduce and carry on our genes, and pretend that we're worth something to deal with the fact that we're nothing? Do we pretend that there's such thing as happiness and a successful life so we can die feeling something that we call peace?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

These are the thoughts that Tyler woke up to that morning. He opened his eyes to watch the shadows of the morning light on his ceiling, the green leaves of the tree next to his room fluttering in the wind, signaling the beginning of spring.

This is the kind of thing that happed all the time. It didn't matter what he was doing; whether he had just woken up, doing the dishes, or walking the dog. He'd be hit with an onslaught of questions. Questions about existing, why he was here, what he was worth.

Did any of this matter?

What could he possibly do in his life that would mean something, anything?

He didn't know.

Tyler covered his face with his hands and rolled over in bed. The soft sheets welcomed him as his own, and he didn't feel inclined to leave anytime soon.

The morning continued on, and Tyler didn't get out of bed.

It was 1:00 p.m. when he finally decided he should probably get up.

Being homeschooled, he didn't have to get up for school; he just did his homework on his own time.

His mom understood when he didn't want to get out of bed, more or less. Or she just didn't care.

Tyler rolled over in bed to pick up his phone on the nightstand. As usual, no new notifications.

No one asking to hang out.

No one wondering how he was.

No one.

Even being homeschooled, Tyler had connected with some people. He used to be on a basketball team, so there were people he talked to, laughed with, people who he thought cared.

But now, for some reason, everyone forgot about him. Did they realize he was still alive? That he needed someone to talk to? Someone?

Maybe he was being dramatic.

But he didn't care, not really. All he felt was that immense feeling of loneliness that came with having no friends.

Tyler pushed the thoughts from his mind and kicked the covers off. Stumbling out of the bed and trying not to trip over the various books and notepads and instruments scattered about his small room, he made his way to the bathroom across the hall.

Once there, he stared at himself in the mirror. Through bleary, red eyes, he assessed his being in the florescent light.

He looked at his brown eyes, brown hair, weird eyebrows, weird teeth, weird everything. He looked down at his arms, covered in ugly scars.

He hated himself.

You should die, he thought to himself.

You deserve to die, just for having a face like that.

You're so fucking ugly.

Just die.

Tyler covered his face with trembling hands, grabbing his hair and tugging as hard as he could. He hoped that the sharp spikes of pain would push the thoughts back in his mind, but the incessant pounding of the thoughts against his skull only lessed a bit. Not going away. They never went away.

Holding back a sob, Tyler refused to look at himself in the mirror as we went about getting ready for the day. Or, half a day.

When he made his way down the stairs, he found his sister sitting at the kitchen table eating something that looked like mac and cheese.

"Well good morning, sunshine," she said dryly once she spotted him. "Or should I say good afternoon?"

"Thanks, Madison." Tyler rolled his eyes and went to pour himself a cup of coffee.

"You looked tired," Madison said in a less sarcastic and more concerned voice. "Did you sleep okay last night?"

Tyler shrugged, hesitating as he tried to decide if he should tell the truth or not. He decided to go with somewhere in between. "Okay, I guess. Wasn't the best."

It was probably more a lie. He slept terribly, hardly getting in three hours as he thoughts kept taking over and torturing him.

But Madison just nodded and went back to her food, not mentioning Tyler's lack of his own food. Either she didn't notice or didn't want to bring it up.

And so began just another day in Tyler's life.