Mr. Bagans will see you now

St. Anne's Retreat

The next morning I woke up cold and alone, mostly a feeling I felt most mornings, but having spent time with a man... It got lonely at times, especially after that had happened yet again the night before.

I had rolled over and stared at the door. It was only 8 am no one was awake yet and it was also lockdown day/night.

I got up and slid on some shorts and grabbed a tee from my bag and walked out the door.

Last night was yet again another fight with the one and only Zak and I was sick of it from now on I didn't care what he did or whom for that matter.

Easier said than done!

I travelled down to the kitchen and looked around the kitchen and into the fridge.

"Someone ate last night," I said softly to myself.

I looked around and decided on a truce.... So I baked. Cookies.

The smell must have travelled upstairs because I saw a sleepy Bacon coming down yawning.

"Are you baking? At... 8:30 in the morning?" he yawned.

"Yes. Is that bad?" I asked, biting my lip gently, feeling like I may have messed up yet again.

"Hell no," he laughed. "As long as I get the first bite," he said, making me smile and relax.

"So I kind of talked to him last night," he spoke up as I took one dozen out of the oven and put in another.

"Oh? What about?" I asked, taking one off and putting it on a napkin.

"You," he said, taking a bite and moaning "that's a cookie better hide those." he said.

I smiled softly and bit my lip "that's what I'm afraid of.. Bacon I love that you want to help but, If he wants anything with me, I'm not going to force him into something he doesn't want and not because someone beat him to the punch of being with me, plus the fact that he wants what he can't have. And honestly, it fucking sucks." I sighed as the timer went off again, and I pulled them out and put them on a plate.

I had picked up my phone and checked to see if Jesse had messaged me at all.

Nothing, which was odd after telling me how he felt last night.

So I took the cue and tried calling... Voice mail.

"Hey, It's me.. You are currently either Sleeping in this morning, sleepy head, Or you are at work or still at work.. Either way call me? I miss you. Ok. Bye." I said and bit my lip hanging up.

"He's a lucky guy, you know that?" bacon smiled

"Why do you say so?" I looked at him.

"Well, for starters, he gets to come home to a smokin hot lady, with a killer smile, and an amazing meal when he comes home, Britt you are the total package" he smiled.

"Yah, I'm not" I shook my head.

"How?" he asked.

"I can't give him the one thing I've wanted most in this entire world bacon, I can "Never be a mother" as my doctor tells me even if by some earth shattering miracle that if I do, It would be a Very difficult pregnancy because of my kidney my one normal one and the phantom one.. I most likely wouldn't make it," I said and took a deep breath something I hadn't even shared with Zak, the part about if I were ever to that the possibility of me dying would be high.

"Britt, I'm sorry Hun I never knew" he started.

"It's ok, I'm ok, I'll deal with it when the time comes if it ever does cause he going to some day want them and then the trying will continue and I'll have to break it to him and it's not going to be an easy conversation and he'll think I've been lying to him this whole time, but I really haven't been I just haven't had the time to tell him." I said