Jacob Sartorius and a Candy Shop Lovestory

You're Not Even Ready

I wake up to the pleasant glow of the warm morning sunlight trickling through my blinds.

"Shit, I woke up again," I say to myself with a sigh.

Wait.

This isn't any normal, apocalyptic day of living under Donald Trump's presidency. No, this is the day I might finally meet my one true love once and for all: Rolf Jacob Sartorius.

I rip the sheets off my bed and run down stairs.

"Hey, honey! I hope you're having a good morning, I love you," My mom greets me.

"God, Mom! SHUT UP YOU SLUT," I scream at her. She's such a bitch sometimes. Nevertheless, she smiles back at me. I flip her off and eat the nasty fucking pancakes she made for me with "love."

Once I finish my pancakes, I head back upstairs to call my side hoe.

"Hey bitch," I greet her.

"Hi, Maykeighlai! Are you excited for today my dude?" She asks me.

"Of fucking course, Wendylyn. I literally cannot believe we are going to Jacob's concert. I'm excited as all h*ck. I swear I'm gonna fucking shit myself when I see him," I say back.

"You should probs start getting ready, my pal."

"Ok."

I hang up without saying goodbye. I have a lingering hunch that she's into me and saying bye would just lead her on. Plus, I need to #slay at the concert tonight so I start getting ready.

I put on my best bra and take off my underwear for good luck. After all, if I do meet Jacob I don't plan on just wearing his sweatshirt, if you know what I mean. I slide on a mini skirt and a shirt with two pics of Jacob where my tits are. I look incredible. For my makeup, I model myself after James Charles' meet and greet pics. I look like the Babadook. Perfect. When Rolfy sees me, boy will he be taking a trip to Bonertown tonight.

I hear the obnoxious sound of Wendylyn's 2002 Volvo S60 car horn. I bolt downstairs, punching my mom on the way. That bitch.

"ARE YOU FUCKING READY, SLUT," I scream as I hop in the car.

"Yes."

~~

We drive for hours to the venue, and of course you can guess what I played; Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance.

You can't forget your roots, you know.