Tapes :: Alex Standall

F O U R

A T H E N A

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People constantly wonder what it's like having a panic attack.
You feel like you can't breathe, you're head feels like it's going to explode, and you feel your heart pounding in your chest as if you were in the middle of the ocean by yourself with no help and there is an enormous shark chasing you and all you want is to survive but you know you most-likely won't.
Like you're not going to live to see another day.
You feel like there's no hope left for you.
It feels like you're going to die.

It's horrible.

Today's events led up to one of the worst feelings I've ever had.

- - -

I let out a deep breath letting the wind blows in my face causing my hair to messily fly back as I slowly walk down the sidewalk passing the convenient stores and ice cream parlours. I feel the heavy wind dry up my eyes causing me to squeeze my eyes shut and open them back up and feel the wind in my eyes once again.

Everything seems like it's changed since the tragic death of Hannah Baker. I don't see why, it's not like many people actually gave two fucks about her when she was alive. Except for one person; the infamous Clay Jensen. The boy who was afraid to love her. Everyone saw it. The way he looked at her, you could see it in his eyes. He truly loved her. But he was afraid to.
No matter how much he loved her, it would never be enough to bring her back. But he sure as hell could try to.

Hannah and I had done something. Something no one knew about. Not even Tyler Down; her stalker.
I guess you would call us a couple. We dated for a while without anyone knowing about it because no one knew that I wasn't straight.

At least I thought no one knew.

- - -

"Let's start with the night of the party when everything went to complete shit for Athena Foley." I hear her voice speak through the headphones I had placed in my ears as I sit on the edge of the roof at the old abandoned gas station that looks like people would be selling meth and cocaine out of. I look up at the sky seeing the hundreds of thousands of stars shining.
"That night of the party, something happen. Something that I should have told you. I know you're going to hate me for not telling you, but you need to know what happen.
Remember how you told me that you woke up in a bathroom with your shirt pulled up and over your chest with no bra on and you didn't have any underwear or jeans on and you felt weird?
Well, this is what happen.
That night, you were drunk off of your ass. You had went to the bathroom because you felt sick and you couldn't be around that many people. After a few minutes I went to check and see if you were okay.
When I went inside, you were naked except for the shirt that had been pulled over your chest and Bryce was there on top of you. But then I noticed something; I noticed that you were crying and whimpering for him to stop. I couldn't move. I was stuck there at the door watching it happen. I couldn't move a single muscle. I didn't do anything to stop him from doing what he was doing. I just stood there and watched. I watched him do those horrible things to you as you were crying and whimpering for everything to stop-for him to stop.
Athena Grace Foley, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry that I never told you.
I'm sorry that I pretended like I didn't know what happen.
I'm sorry that I didn't stop him.
I'm sorry that I was your first girlfriend even though we both knew we both loved two completely different people.

Athena Foley;
You're a smart, beautiful, amazing girl. You were there for me when no one else was. You were there for me even if I wasn't there for you. You deserve the whole world. Knowing how bad you have it, I hope that one day things get better for you. I hope you have a husband or even a wife, have kids, and grow old. I hope you don't make the same mistakes I did, and I hope you don't do what I did.

Athena Foley, I put you on this list because you deserve to know the truth. You deserve to know the truth about what the other people on these thirteen tapes did and what happen to you.
I'm sorry."

- - -

I feel the unbearable pain in my body as I sob for air as I stand outside of his house. Alex's house. I can't move. It's like I'm paralysed but I can still feel my body. I can still feel the the sobs that are able to leave my mouth trying to breathe. I can still feel the tears falling down my wet face. I can still feel everything but I can't move or breathe normally.
It feels like my head is going to explode at any second. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest like crazy.
I hate the familiar feeling of having a panic attack that I happen to be feeling at this very moment in time.
I fucking hate it.
I see the familiar blonde haired teenage boy running towards me through the tears. I'm guessing he notices my lack of talking and moving considering he starts asking himself how to help me and freaking out himself.
Next thing I know, I feel his his hand cup my face and his lips slam onto mine causing my breathing and sobbing to stop as I manage to hold my breath.
He pulls back after a few seconds as I open my eyes realising that I'm now breathing normally.

Not saying anything, we both just stare at each other not making any movement. For a second, I could have sworn I saw him look at my lips.

I must have imagined it because nothing happen like in the movies and books.
But unfortunately, this isn't a romance movie or book we're living in.

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Sorry if this chapter was absolute shit.