The Element Of Happy.

Surgery

The rest of the day is a swirling torrent of nothing. I think of nothing. I do nothing. I let the day carry me to the bell and then home. I don't even wait for my mom and sister to come home before crawling into bed. There I allow myself to drift into thoughts again, or more specifically , think about what Zale said.

They hold the answers? What answers? My thoughts are just an endless torrent of worries and fears and wondering if I will actually make it in the world. Unless I change my thinking that's all they will ever be. Change my thinking....

Change. That's what I need. To change. To see things a bit differently. If I do that will life be so horrible or will it seem normal?

I go deep into my mind. What can I change my outlook on? My dad...

No. Too soon. That's too much to change. ... Carter.

I like him don't I? Well liked him I guess, he doesn't exactly go to our school anymore and you can't like someone you don't know. But physically I liked him... and I guess I liked his work ethic. Why did I quit track? That was the best part of the day for me, and not because of him, but because of how my body flowed and pulsed with the track.

So why did I let the fear of him knowing me stop me from doing the one thing I loved?

I dig deeper. I think I'm going somewhere with all this. It's like performing surgery, getting to the problems, being careful to avoid main arteries. The biggest difference is that so much of it is a problem that I will have to mess with my veins eventually.

Emma. Emma is all I have aside from mom . But she doesn't let me help her ever! If I could just tell her what is coming up in life she may take everything more seriously instead of making fun of me or pretending her worries don't exist. She is so damn stubborn and doesn't listen to a thing mom or I sa- why would she?

Mom and I are both messed up and she knows it. She knows I'm not happy. She knows the smell of vodka on my mother the moment she gets home though she tries desperately to hide it. She caught me smoking once. The only time she ever listened was when I told her not to tell...

I'm sitting on the back porch listening to my neighbours argue about something, smoking a cigarette. Moms not home yet and neither is Emma, so I probably have 15 minutes to myself. I inhale deeply and release just as my sister clears her throat from behind me.

"Jeeze!" I jump, surprised by her presence and instinctively put the cigarette behind me, out of her line of vision.

"No sense in hiding it dummy, I already seen." She comes and stands next to me as I wince. Knowing her this is the end of the one thing that calms me down. She's known to blab to mom.

"Well. I take it your going to tell mom then." She eyes me.

"Not if you tell me why. And be completely honest for once. None of your 'I'm older' bullshit."

"You shouldn't swear." It comes out naturally. It's like big brother word vomit.

"You shouldn't smoke." for once she had me.

"Fine. I smoke because sometimes it helps me think in a form that isn't complete circles. I can think straight and move through my thoughts rather than stay stuck on one never ending wheel."

"So it keeps you sane?"

"Yea. Don't ever do it though, otherwise it gets addictive." I pause "Please don't tell mom."

To my amazement she smiles sadly before she says "I won't, she has enough on her plate as it is. As long as it helps you I don't care." With that she went inside. I finished my smoke and somehow forgot that conversation even happened, even though it's the most mature thing I have ever seen her do.

I wonder what else she has on her plate? I wonder where she wants to go? Is she stuck in cycle like mom and I or is she ok? Is she the only sane one in the house hold now?

My thoughts race more and more, and I feel like I am having my bones crushed and my guts ripped out . I haven't considered my little sister in so long that I may no longer even know her. Zale's voice comes into my head.

"Quit fearing your thoughts. They hold answers you know."

How did he know that I was scared to think of my family. How did he know they held the answers?

I think about him as I drift off to sleep , so deep , I don't even dream, just enjoy the sweet nothing that surrounds me . 

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A/N :

Rii I really hope you like this ! Again . Sorry for short chapters