In My Life

Chapter 5: Crippled Inside

Dr. McCartney

I had stayed at the hospital 16 hours after John left. There was a meeting called by Dr. Epstein for all the attendings and residents to explain to us what had happened and how he didn't expect John to come back anytime soon. He told us we needed to be there for his patients, and for him when the time came. The halls seemed dim without John yelling at someone.

"I'm heading out, Sade." I told Sadie as I placed my patients charts on the counter of the nurses station. "The bags under your eyes are ridiculous." Sadie chuckled. "Thanks love. Hey uh- you heard from John?" I asked quietly. Sadie pulled out her phone, examined the screen and shook her head. "Nothing. Take my number, we can keep in touch. I want to know if you hear from him." Sadie said as she snatched my phone out of my white coat pocket, dialling her number in. I nodded as I took my phone back. "I'm worried." I said even quieter. "Me too, Paul. I've never seen him like that. I'm gonna stop by his place on my way home.. I've gotta get out of here. 36 hours is a long shift." Sadie told me as she swung her jacket around her slim shoulders. "Thanks Sadie. Let me know how it goes." I tried to smile, walking toward the doctors lounge to gather my things and head out to my car.

Paul: Jane.. absolutely horrible shift. I'm going home to rest, but we should meet for a pint tonight.

Jane: I'd love to, hun, but I have to cover a shift tonight. Short staffed here. I'm sorry, feel better.

I sighed and threw my phone in the passenger seat. I started the car, and stared down at my hands for a few moments. The blood of those patients was on my hands just as much as John's, and it made me sick. I had never experienced something like that before, and evidently, neither had John. I finally put the car into gear, and made my way back to my small flat. As I drove passed John's, I noticed his car was in the drive, Sadie's was behind it. Hopefully he had let her in.

Hopefully he was okay.

I made my way inside my cold house and threw on a thick jumper, track pants and slippers. I couldn't afford the heating bill that month, instead I had to make my car payment. Being a doctor hadn't been so glamorous. After all the hard work I'd done in high school and in med school, you'd think I would be living an amazing life as a doctor. It was a life of poverty at this point. I lived in a small flat that felt like an icebox, I had high car payments on an old piece of shit car, and I watched people die for a living. I lied down on my couch, finally being able to relax my mind for a few moments before I felt my phone vibrate.

Sadie: I've never seen him like this before Paul. He's absolutely knackered and telling me he's ready to work.

Paul: Not a fan of the whole drinking and doctoring thing. He best stay put at home.

Sadie: He definitely doesn't want to listen to me. Would you come see him? He's been talking about you, and I need rest.

Paul: Be there soon.

I rolled my eyes at her last text. I knew Sadie did need to go home and sleep, after all, she had worked a 36 hour shift. I just did not want to deal with a drunk John. I barely knew him, let alone knew how he would be handling this situation. I put on a pair of trousers and a black turtle neck jumper. I decided I would walk, considering how close John's house was to mine. When I arrived, Sadie was walking out to her car, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Sadie!" I called as I approached her, touching her shoulder sympathetically. "He's a fucking mess, Paul. He just finished screaming at me." She said as she wiped the tears out from under her eyes. "Why was he screaming at you?!" I asked, immediately concerned for what his reaction of me coming to his home would be. "That he didn't need my help, that I need to help myself." Sadie choked up. "Go get some rest. We'll pull him out of this." I hugged her. "Thanks, Paul." She smiled and I watched her get into her car and roll away. I took a deep breath and opened his front door. "John?" I called as I kicked off my shoes. No reply. I took another deep breath and made my way into what I assumed was his living room. John was sitting on the couch in a pair of track pants, flashing those damn collar bones at me again. "Want a drink? I know you're off tomorrow." John said as he stood up, walking over to his mini bar and pouring a glass of scotch for me. "You seem like an on the rocks kind of lad." John smiled as he handed me the drink. I sat down next to him and sipped at the strong drink. "You're a bloody mess." I said, stating the obvious. "I'm not." John argued as he slammed the large glass he had been sipping on, proceeding to pour himself another. "How much have you had to drink?" I asked, crossing my legs and resting the glass on my lap. "Well, McCartney. I don't think that matters, does it?" John said as he turned around. My eyes quickly found their way to his toned body. He sat down next to me and I managed to pry my eyes away. I just look up to him, I want to be like him, I tried to convince myself.