In My Life

Chapter 7: Whatever Gets You Thru The Night

A/N: there might be some trigger warnings, so please read but be aware. (mentions of suicide and mental illness).

Dr. McCartney

I woke up on the couch alone to the loud alarm on my phone. I turned it off without looking at the screen, and checked my pager. Nothing. Which was odd, since I was suppose to start my shift at the hospital in less than 45 minutes. I quickly showered and made a tea, thinking of the lovely evening I had spent with John, who I would soon have to return to calling Dr. Lennon. I wanted to tell Jane and George, but I supposed that was an in person topic, not so much an over text kind of thing. I remembered I may have missed a few messages and checked my phone quickly as I sipped my tea, a single piece of wet hair dangling in my face.

John: Looking forward to seeing you, Dr. McCartney.

I smiled at the message and quickly locked my phone, remembering I was running rather late. I threw my half full cup of tea in the sink, and headed out the door. It was a brisk, rainy day in Liverpool, nothing new to me. I drove to the hospital and made it to the nurses station just in time to run into John - or, sorry, Dr. Lennon. "Nice of you to join us, Dr. McCartney." He winked as he spoke. I saw Sadie grin as I blushed, he must have told her. "Good morning, Dr. Lennon." I smirked and walked into the doctors lounge to change into my scrubs and white coat. John walked in behind me and closed the door, peering around to ensure that we were in fact alone. "You're tempting, you know." He growled as I put on my white coat. "How are you feeling? Y'know, being back and all." I asked, hoping I wasn't about to get a sarcastic comment. "I'm fine. Everybody is treating me like a sick puppy, so the arsehole Dr. Lennon has been unleashed, just giving you a fair warning." John told me as he put his hand in my white coat pocket flirtatiously. "I'll keep that in mind." I chuckled before we were interrupted by Richard, opening the door and walking in. John quickly pounced away from me and nodded, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"Welcome back, Dr. Lennon." Richard said nervously as he put his white coat on. "Ta," John snarled a bit as he walked out of the doctors lounge. "Think he's okay?" Richard asked me. "I think so." I nodded, a smile still imprinted on my face. We exited the doctor's lounge and headed to the nurse's station. I grabbed the charts under J.P. McCartney, and examined them. "Slow day." Sadie said with her back turned to me. "Looks like it." Richard agreed. We both only had three or four charts - a very unusual occurrence. I checked to make sure all of the patients I had been assigned were on that floor, and luckily they were. I knew John was assigned to patients on that floor too, and I couldn't decide whether or not I was happy about that or concerned. I knew I would be worried about him all day, but as a professional, my patients and career always came first. I examined my surroundings, and just as I was about to approach my first patient's room, George and John caught my eye. They both had a weird look on their face, and suddenly John slammed the chart he had been holding down onto the opposing side of the nurses station, and he stormed off. George immediately made eye contact with Sadie and shook his head, looking concerned. "Bloody hell, here we go." Sadie mumbled as the three of us waited for George to approach us. "What happened?" I asked, almost too eagerly. "He totally froze..." George said, stunned as Sadie wrapped an arm around his waist. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"I asked him how he wanted me to proceed with treatment of Danny. Y'know, keep him on the same medication or move on to a different one to see if it would work. He froze, like a puppy with his tail between his legs. I think he was scared to make the call, Sade." George explained. My heart was beating quite fast, worrying for John. "Give him time. In the meantime, find another attending to make the call." Sadie told George. Richard and I were silent, unaware of how to approach the situation. "I need to check on my patients." I finally broke the silence. "You're not going to check on him?" Sadie asked me. "No. You just said he needs time, plus, why would he want his resident to check on him?" I asked, with a rather rude tone as I set down all my charts but one and walked away. I did want to check on John, obviously, but I couldn't let him distract me from what I was meant to do. Be a doctor, not someone's boyfriend. The chart I had was for an 11 year old boy, Jo Jo, who had leukaemia. He had just started treatment, and my job was to make sure he stayed stable. I walked into his room to meet him and his mother. "Good morning Jo Jo! My name is Dr. McCartney, and I'll be taking care of you." I smiled at the poor sickly boy. The mother stood up, and stuck out her hand. "My name is Loretta, I'm Jo Jo's Mum." She had a thick accent when she spoke. "My pleasure. How are we feeling today?" I asked Jo Jo. "Tired." He sighed. "Ah right. Get some rest, I'll come back and check on you in a couple of hours. Deal?" I stuck my hand up for a high five. The child smiled and hit my hand. "Alright!" I grinned and walked over to my remaining charts. The other patients were all asleep, so I checked their vitals and IV bags. Richard was doing the same thing. It was a quiet morning for us. And after a couple of hours, my cellphone buzzed.

John: Come to room 267.

I raised an eyebrow and looked around for the room. When I walked in, John was holding the tube from an IV bag, allowing the liquid to fly about the room. He was swaying back and forth, and his eyes were wandering. I couldn't believe my eyes. He was absolutely knackered. "Can you give me some trouble, I'm having some help over here!" John said, slurring each one of the words that came out of his drunk mouth. I stared at him, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I couldn't speak. Thankfully, Sadie came in after me. "John Winston Lennon, get your fucking ass home." She said as she put her arm around him and guided him out of the room. Thankfully, the patient was asleep or else we would've had a lawsuit. I stood in that spot for at least five minutes before shaking my head and leaving the room and walking over to the nurses station. Sadie was talking to Dr. Epstein. I knew that conversation wasn't going well, based on how red her face was. "Dr. McCartney." Dr. Epstein summoned me over. "Sir," I nodded at him. "I'm going to keep this from the board of directors. John is the best attending we have, and I'm not loosing him. You and Sadie are to be on his watch 24/7 and I don't care if it conflicts with your shifts, we will have them covered and you will be paid. I don't want this getting out and around the hospital." He told us. "I'm not a fan on the whole drinking and doctoring thing, sir." I tried to object, not wanting to face John at that point.

"You will do as I say, McCartney." Dr. Epstein said, hell he was intimidating. "Yes, sir." I nodded, watching Sadie's eyes fill with tears as Dr. Epstein walked away from us. I pulled her into a hug and she immediately let herself break down into my chest. "It's going to be fine, Sadie." I said quietly, noticing Richard and George watching us from the other end of the nurses station. "I've never seen him this bad before, Paul. I'm scared for him." Sadie continued to cry. "Why are you scared?" I asked, pulling her away to look into her eyes. She looked down at the floor, and I picked her chin up with my finger. "Why?" I asked again. "He's tried to kill himself before, Paul." She said seriously. My heart nearly stopped at the words, but for some reason, it didn't surprise me. The man was lonely. "Do you think he's in trouble?" I asked. She could only nod. "Do you want to go see him first?" I asked. "No." She shook her head. "I suppose I will. Did someone take him home?" I assumed someone had. "One of the orderlies. I'll have Richard and George cover your patients." She nodded as she spoke, worried for her friend. "Stay strong Sade. I'll text you." I kissed her cheek, and headed to John's without even changing into my street clothes.

I stood in front of his house for a few moments, preparing myself for what was on the other side of that door. I knocked. "C'min!" I heard a drunk yelp from the inside. I opened the door and kicked off my shoes. Hell, I didn't want to see him. There he was, sitting on the couch with a drink in his hand and two bottles on the table. One was completely empty, and one was on it's way there. "Ah, there he is. The super star, my hero back to save the poor little Dr. Lennon from his drunken stupor." John was extremely rude as he spoke. "Have a drink!" He said as he gestured his glass toward the bottle of scotch. "I'm on the clock, Lennon." I said, sitting down in the chair across from him. "Ah," He waved his hand at me as if it didn't matter. "Not much to look up to as a teacher now, am I?" He chuckled, I barely understood the words that came out of his mouth. I shook my head, unsure of what to say. "Best start callin' me Mr. Lennon!" John laughed at himself. "How pathetic is that, Paul? I couldn't even decide on which route I wanted to do treatment on that kid. Scared little Lennon, s'what they'll call me. Yer mate Harrison must've had a good laugh, I know I have." John still kept laughing at himself. "Enough, John." I said sternly. His eyes shot up at me. "Little bit of attitude, McCartney?" He still kept chuckling as he drank his scotch. "Put the bloody drink down and grow the fuck up. Y'know Sadie was scared y'were gonna kill yer damn self? She's scared shitless. Left her a mess, you did." I started to feel a ball of anger heat up in my stomach. "She'll be fine." John finally got serious as he spoke. "She's worried about you, John." I said, ready to explode at him. "Well she won't be the one to find me this time, will she?" John said, his eyes filled with rage. "Yer fuckin' horrible." I snapped, standing up. "I'm fuckin' horrible? This damn world is horrible, McCartney. Welcome to the fuckin' world of medicine. I fuckin' told ye that it'll keep fuckin' kickin' ye down when yer tryin' t'save lives, didn't I? It'll keep fuckin' doin' it until it takes yer own damn life." John stood up too, getting rather close to my face. "You're letting this happen. You're letting yourself feel this way." I snarled back. "Oh, I'm sorry Dr. Almighty, I'm letting my own mental illness effect my own life. How dare I?" John got even closer, I could smell the alcohol off him strongly now. "You don't need a teacher like me around. Fuckin' leave, McCartney." He almost pressed his nose against mine before sitting back down. I sat back down too, knowing he didn't actually want me to leave.

"Y'know, Lennon. You are an amazing doctor. I strive to be like you... But, a more successful you."