Inner Thoughts

Silence

I'm afraid to talk about it because no one truly cares. I'm afraid to talk about it because I no longer want to be the sad girl who can never do anything right. I'm afraid to talk about it because of the way I know everyone looks at me. I'm afraid to talk about it because I know that everyone is tired of listening to it.

I saw your face again last night. Saying the same things over and over again.

"stay quiet"

"keep your mouth shut"

"I know you like it"

And so I did. I kept my mouth shut and I was quiet. I walked home with tear stained eyes and waited for the next day. I didn't tell anyone. Well, I did. I shouldn't have. I should've kept my mouth shut. I should've listened. Now here I am laying in the dark; scared to speak, scared to scream. What's the price of my silence? Deep cuts, long nights, burned eyes. The true price of silence is the brokenness you feel inside of you. When you finally think you have glued every last bit together, here she comes breaking you again. And you just lay there hoping she'll leave you something to fix. She always does.

I'm forever silent. I've got nothing more to say, ever. I am what you want to hear and what I can say without crying. I don't want to be silent anymore.

I was raped more than 16 times. Once by stranger, at least 5 times by ex-girlfriend, and more than times by my "friend". I have only told anyone about at least 5. Most nights I was either drunk or high. Some nights I was completely sober. Two nights I was passed out. One night it was more than once, and two nights other people watched. I don't know what else to tell you. I know that I replay each night in my head before I go to bed at night. I know that I have only found one person who respects my body for my own. And I know that I am broken because of it. I feel unprotected because of it. But I guess that is true price I pay