Food like poison, uneatable and revolting. Unable to look without the sight making me have to turn away
The smell that just weeks ago would have been delicious and desired, now makes me sick and disgusted
Since as long as I can remember food has hated me and toyed with me, like a cat and its victim, ready to pounce at any moment without warning and then only to let go again in a never ending game
Sometimes I'm perfectly fine and can eat like anyone else and then out of the blue without reason I suddenly can't, tasting a bite only to have my head filled with dread as I realize it's back
It will never leave me
Ever
Insecurities transformed into demons that claw and tear me down but I know I did this, I've believed the demons with their cruel whispers.
I let them stay, and now I will always be forever haunted by them
The nagging and the snickers they utter
"Not good enough"
"Did you look at that scale?"
"What a freak"
"Just stop eating and maybe you will look pretty"
"Come on you can do it, no one will even notice"
"Remember what those girls said, you know they are right"
"No one will ever love you if you're fat"
The whispers terrorizing my head for as long as I can remember, with those words my poison, my disease was created
So now I live never knowing when it would strike but always knowing that it would again
Never knowing when the whispers will come back
When my thoughts will make good seem putrid and horrible again
This time I was just unprepared when I took a bite and almost puked, I don't know why I thought it was different this time but I did
Now I'm back and I just have to force down enough to keep myself alive.
Just a little bite here and there
Over and over I just tell myself to wait, that it will be over eventually and then I won't have to break any more promises, then I won't have to disappoint
They beg me to just keep it down and so I do but the pain almost outweighs my strength
So now I sit and calculate how many salads I can have, how little I can eat without doing anything bad
It's not that I hate it, as much as I hate to admit that, I really would be okay with never eating again but I can't because of the promises
So I just keep choking down my food like poison
YOU ARE READING
The Truth
PoetryThese aren't for pity or attention so don't give it to me. I write these because they are how I feel, no matter how bad they are. If you don't like it then don't read. ~Warning~ If you do not feel comfortable reading things that have to do with depr...
