Star's Theory

For real

No way. My hands are shaking as I pick up and read the message. "For real."

Suddenly, everything has just become more real. Luckily, the powers of the internet hide my sweaty palms and I type back quickly after changing his contact name.

Then, as an afterthought, I change my Netflix username as well. Even though we've exchanged numbers, I can't help but want to keep the rush that comes with the anonymity of our names.

To: Star

Message: username- hedwig

password- alohamora

Barely a minute after, I refresh my Netflix page and break into a grin: the recently watched tab now says "The Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life". 

To: A

Message: woah, you weren't joking! sharing your Netflix account? what's next, are you going to ask me to move in as well? ;D

I chuckle with a blush, it's not that big of a deal, and I know he's only teasing, but I keep imagining what Clara would say if she were to read these. 

To: Star

Message: duh, just one question: are you a blanket hogger? but I'll let you get back to watching, the gilmore girls deserve your undivided attention

I flop back onto my bed and leave my phone on the table, feeling impossibly light and happy. 

About an hour later, he responds with a quick "hm, maybe" and I'm about to reply when another text pops up. It's from Clara, and it reads cold as ice:

To: Atlas

From: Clara

Message: Look, Atlas. If you won't let me help you, I can't do anything about it, so I'll just leave you alone, like it's meant to be. 

My fight with Clara feels like years ago, even though it was just earlier today. And just like that, my mood flicks back like a light switch, the darkness overpowering anything and the feeling of 'stupid, useless" comes flooding back. That's it? "Like it's meant to be"? 

How can a person, who I thought was my best friend, see what she saw and just leave it? Am I really that easily disposable? It's not that I don't want her help it's that... I'm afraid. If I ask for her help, she'll just send me to a professional shrink of some sort. Which, yeah, may be the right thing for what I'm dealing with, but it's not right for me. I can't believe it... 

But something's different this time. Instead of wanting to shut down and crawl in a hole for the rest of eternity, I feel the urge to do something. To prove that someone will actually acknowledge my existence. So I do the only thing I can think of.

To: Star

Message: yikes... that might be a deal-breaker. but I just might look past it for you ;P So, how's it going, have you finished 'Winter' yet?

And seconds later, just like that, a string tugs on my waist, pulling me just a centimeter away from the hole I'm digging inside. 

To: A

Message: just did and on to 'Spring'! I still can't believe Richard died... btw, I never did properly thank you for doing this, it may not be rambling to a best friend while eating junk food and making stupid comments, but it's got to be the next best thing.

I have to smile at that, I mean, who wouldn't? The guy has some sort of magical powers with words or something that makes me want... more. Somehow, even a 'hey' from him could be interesting.

To: Star

Message: I know right! Gilmore Girls never seemed to be the show where main characters just died. :/ And no problem, we can still make stupid comments here, you know

To: A

Message: haha, Lorelai and Emily in therapy? this is GOLD.

Then, centimeter, by centimeter, our stupid, seemingly meaningless ramblings pull me all the way out of the hole I dug and I'm afloat again. Afloat and breathing fresh air. He'll never know, I suppose, the effect that that conversation had on me, and the way each small comment widened the smile on my face just that much more.