Lunar Girl

Love, Why is it so Painful?

This chapter continues on the story about James, my new boyfriend at the time. I thought I had found the best thing ever, that I was the happiest I ever was. In some ways, I was right. I miss seventh grade. I had a ton of friends with limited amounts of drama. My boyfriend loved me and I got to see him everyday. Everything seemed like it was going great. I remember my first kiss with him; it was nothing romantic. My friends hid behind a tree to "leave us alone" but that just watched. He just randomly decided to go ahead and kiss me. That wasn't my first kiss ever. My first kiss ever was even worse. It was with the other James. Randomly as I was leaving my room, he just comes up and kissed me. He practically missed, it was awkward, but I can't take it back. I wish I could honestly and just redo that all over again. Sometimes I wish I never met James at all. Maybe then I'd still have Elizabeth, maybe I'd be happier. Who knows how things would be now. For months, James and I were pretty happy. We saw each other in school everyday and sat together in seventh grade. When eighth grade rolled around and he became a high schooler, I didn't see him much. He came to see me sometimes between class and I'd of course see him at the beginning  and end of the day. One thing I always had an issue with was kissing or hugging in public. To be honest, I was embarrassed by it. James wasn't liked by many, he wasn't the best looking, I didn't want anyone to see that. He always had an issue with it but I didn't really care. My birthday cake up the month after we started dating and we had my birthday party in June. That was the time when Elizabeth tried to pressure James into making out with me the first time. He did, and it was awkward but it was addictive. That's also the night I got in trouble. Elizabeth was bugging us so we went into my laundry room and sat in there, may have kissed a bit but that's all. My dad came in and asked where we were. I didn't know what to do I mean how would it look if we just came out of the small room like that? My dad caught us and I got my phone taken for four days. We then were not allowed to be alone on a different floor than my parents. My parents never really trusted him before that, and especially after that. Time passed and we dated for a year. After that year, things slowly started going down hill. Nights with him would be me crying and us fighting over something and him not knowing what to do. He was clueless and doesn't understand how to handle feelings. There were also times when he believed he was schizophrenic or something. That whole scenario scared me. Summer after our one month and my birthday party came around in July. I had many friends there at my house for a pool party. Most of that night I felt alone really. My friends did things on their own and I sat watching. James ended up leaving my party early. That really upset me, he had no reason for leaving early. My own boyfriend just left me at my birthday party. Actually, after he left was when I had the most fun at my party. I started becoming fed up with what was going on with James. Time and time again I cried, he left or got angry. It was constant. Homecoming came around and he asked me to go with him over Snapchat with a ring from one of those machines that you put a quarter in to get something out. I thought it was pretty lame honestly but what was I to do. Then later he came over with a pizza that asked me to homecoming. I responded with "you already asked me but thanks", he got mad. On the night of homecoming, I wanted to hang out with my friends because they'd actually dance and I'd have fun with them. James got angry that I wasn't just with him. Elizabeth reportedly told me to go with him and I finally gave in. We sat at a table, alone, in silence. I was bored and I'd rather be with my friends. That's the night I knew it was over. His anger over something simple, my boredom, and how he was selfish. The next night, we fought as usual. I don't even remember what the fight was about but the topic of breaking up joined the conversation. I mentioned it and he said I know you won't do it. He was right, I wouldn't do it, I couldn't do it. James did it. James told me that we were breaking up and said goodbye. I was crying to the point were I wasn't stable. My instinct was to go to my parents room and that's what I did. I walked in there at about one in the morning and told them what happened. I stayed with them for the night. Yes, I am a baby like that. Apparently when I was gone, James called my sister. He asked if I was ok and what happened to me. She checked my room and I was gone of course, I also left my phone there. James freaked out when he realized I was "missing". That showed he cared at least a little bit. After that he blocked me on everything. I was the saddest I could ever be. After him, everything fell apart. I lost Elizabeth shortly after, my friend group changed, my mind wasn't the same. Two months passed and I realized he was the reason everything changed. I wanted him back. One message on Instagram and he didn't want me. That made me feel worthless, that I wasn't enough to him. James didn't even fight for me back, if he wanted me like he said he would've fought for it. I learned he had new interests. That December, I found a new boyfriend, one who I'm with today.  James also is in a new relationship. His girlfriend is ugly and dressed like a bum if I'm being honest. Well, I mean they both dress like the should be homeless but who am I to judge right? What hurts is the fact it's as if we never knew each other. A year and a half with him and we became complete strangers. It hurts even more the fact that he's happy. He doesn't deserve to be happy. James put me through more pain than I can even remember. So many tears and he moved on so quickly. He seems happier now, and that hurts. He wasn't as happy with me as he is with her. We weren't that happy. It really makes me question, is it all my fault? Did I make us unhappy? Am I a problem? I wish I didn't have to see him. I don't want to see him. It still hurts to see him. He changed my life and I wish it never happened that way. There's the end to a broken love story.