How we parted

broken hearted

We didn't speak until ...
I fell over and hit my head
i felt really dizzy he told his friend get a teacher he helped me up and got his other friend Scott to get a chair so he helped me onto the chair and got Scott get me some water . I held my head for extra support i clutched softly onto my hair and started crying not because i hurt my head or blood  is pouring out of my head but because i found it arkward and embarrassing infront of max and i miss him lots it's like that fall was meant to happen and now you know the story better i think its time to look in my diary ...

As soon as i got home i read my diary from when we broke up
Dear Diary,
So today i made the hardest choice of my life i broke up with max we have being arguing for too long now and my pannic attacks have being getting worse
I feel like killing myself i have always loved him and this is why...
Have you ever clicked with that one person,
When i look at him my world is through my eyes i felt as if i had my soul mate, i meaning did have my soul mate, he was and is my everything, we did everything together.
I've lost My world , universe, my stars, my moon when the moon is no longer in the sky for 10000 years that's when i will stop loving him
Max i love you with all my heart i told you we need to stop arguing or this would happen , now look at us , I'd give you another chance but I'm going to kill myself I've lost everything. I thought we were fine, i thought we were going to stay together for ever but you will always be in my heart.
I love you so much....

As time passes your life just looses brightness you come home with no purpose to live You think about ending your life but i thought about my family how would they react? Would they care ? Of course my mum has no one except from me and your proberly asking where jakub was? Right by my side but it changed nothing about the way i felt except something stupid Horseriding .. when i get on that horse it makes me feel brave but mentally i just keep thinking about max but that didn't change what I'm like around horses and nothing will i set myself goals with Horseriding my horse was called thunder ... This is why we went races and dressage  we were always in the top 5 i taught him things only trainers can i had thunders respect towards me and i gave him respect he never ran off if I were in his feild he would follow me and any other horse would push out of the gate or run off but thunder he would just wait there and let me get out before coming to the gate that's why thunder made me happy
Thunder was my escape from Max, Max was always in my head some nights I'd stay up thinking what if i could have changed something so this wouldn't have happened , do you ever think that? If you do your not alone even though it feels like it even though people are around you , you feel like your a ghost and no one can see you, your invisible to the rest of the world, people walk past but what they don't know is some of us have suicidal  thoughts. I have alot going on I'm my family aswell and it all gets blamed on you, so you wish that you could be anyone apart from you but what you don't know at the time Is there are people suffering way worse than you are , but i don't know if you are like this but this is me if i see someone struggling i will help them even if we have the same struggle
I'll tell you a story about a man called Dylan
I met Dylan on the streets ,
He was homeless and had nowhere to go, i questioned him about what he needs the most and he said company.. he had nothing he wanted just company so every day after school i would give Dylan my lunch money and months later i had seen Dylan he had new clothes and proper shoes to put on his feet it made me smile because someone who is suffering suffered less because of a 14 year old girl.
Well there's your story about Dylan and that's what you should do if you see someone suffering they are not going get any better with out your help

But after Dylan disappeared one day it felt like i had no one to talk to any more just me on My own again but I'd start to talk to people more .... More and more ...

Untill i got mentally stable i would look for people who looked like they need someone to talk to  and i was that person they talked to it's like max vanished  well... I thought he was forgotten about but obviously not the only time i stopped thinking of him, my phone lit up with a massive paragraph on how he misses me it says " sorry we haven't spoke i cant stop thinking about you, your my world , my first love my everything i have being trying to find you at school but yeah hope we can talk and the day we started going out we clicked
Max"

As my eyes glanced at the screen they started to water but i held it in  my thoughts just kept thinking about how "we clicked" i know we did and that's the worst thing about letting you go but i was certain that if he loved me he would fight for me you know ? It's always what happens in movies
But why did i want that kind of attention i was over him... Nope forgot what i just said i need him more every single day but something is holding me back, but what?