Transdumbled

Chapter Ten

//this fanart was made by my wonderful best friend, Peyton. Thanks dude//

Hey, it's Alice. Alice Dumblegirl. That's right. Don't adjust your...whatever device you're hearing this on. It's me, live and in stereo. No return engagements, no encore, and this time, absolutely no requests. Get a snack. Settle in. Because I'm about to tell you the story of my friendship. More specifically, how this two-faced, dick breath, monkey fucking, bitch ruined it. But youre probably a little confused, so lets back this up a bit.

***

With a tired sigh, I kick off my painfully high heels and flop onto Dolores' bed. It had been a long week, and the both of us could really use a spa night, so that's what was happening. Dolores offered to host it in her dorm. I've never been in the Slytherin girls dorm before, and I have to say, so much better than the boys. Or maybe its just better than Snape's dorm.

Speaking of the greasy fuck, he's been so intensely trigged as of recently. Something about him "not having anyone else to talk to" or that I'm "spending all my time with Dolores or Minnie" or that he "literally doesn't have any other person to talk to, please talk to me, Alice, I'm so lonely."

I don't know, I wasn't really listening.

But anyway, ontop of Snapes constant whining and crying, my four favorite people have come up with a shit ton of new insulting skits and songs to mock me with whenever I walk into the room. I don't know how the come up with this shit (because if we're being honest, some of this stuff is fucking brilliant and I'm totally going to use it on Snape).

"Do you want to shower first? Or do you want me to go?" Dolores pulls me from my thoughts, as she grabs two fluffy bathrobes from a chest near her bed.

"Jesus, you were really prepared for this, huh? You can shower first. I think I still need to give my feet a few minutes before I try standing again. These damn heels, man."

"You dont even know the half of it, my friend," she says with a laugh before grabbing a robe and entering the bathroom, closing the door behind her. The water turns on, and I hear her step into the shower, pulling the curtain shut.

As she washes away the stress of her week, I look through the assortment of facial masks and scrubs she had set on her desk for tonight.

'Strawberry cream facial, cucumber detox mask, avocado stress relief lotion..' You name it, she had it.

As I look through, something catches my eye: a small, obnoxiously pink diary, labeled 'Private Personal Diary of Dolores Jane Umbridge: Keep Out'

I know that what my friends write in their diaries is completely personal and their business, and reading it without their consent would be a complete invasion of privacy... but I'm a snoopy hoe who does what she wants, so fuck you.

I try to open it, but it doesn't budge, not unsurprisingly. But all of my closest friend's deepest secrets are at my fingertips as I point my wand at it and mutter a quick 'alohamora.'

The diary opens, and I can't bring myself to put it down. The first few pages are boring garbage; which house has the cutest girls, which girls were worth dating and which were a lost cause. But about halfway through is when it starts to get really good.

'Albus Dumbledore. I cannot fucking stand that Albus Dumbledore. He's an annoying attention-seeker who will do anything to get a couple of laughs. His jokes aren't even funny! But I know something about him that could destroy him. His weird, greasy, emo friend sits near me in Potions. Today, as he was furiously scribbling something onto a piece of parchment, I heard him muttering under his breath. First, it was just profanities being thrown about, but then he goes on about "my bloody best friend is a girl and didnt tell me. Alice Dumblegirl is such a bitch, and she didn't even stand up for me today when the Marauders called me gay. Ugh." So Albus is transgender? This could be very fun...

If that didn't leave me in shock, the next few entries definitely did. All those clever songs and skits the Marauders used to make fun of me, Dolores came up with them! She's been writing down ideas for ways for them to bully me. There are even a few things written that haven't happened yet, so I'll have to watch out. Apparently, her getting close to me and being my friend is just some bullshit game to try and find out what type of stuff effects me the most, and what specifically to pick on me for. What the hell!?

I get to the entry titled 'Spa Night' and don't notice that the water has been shut off, and that theres only a matter of seconds before Dolores opens the door and sees me reading all of her plans.

"I put itching powder in the avocado scrub, and dye in the face mask. This is gonna be goo-"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOURE DOING!?!"

Dolores has come out of the shower with her fluffy bathrobe wrapped tight, a premade, dye-free detox mask already on her face.

I glare at her and hold up the book accusinly. "The question here is what the hell are you doing, Umbridge? What the hell is this? I thought you were my friend!"

She lets out a dark chuckle. "As if I'd ever be friends with you. Don't be ridiculous, Alice, there's a reason Severus Snape is the only person in the whole goddamn school that actually talks to you. Nobody likes you. You're annoying, and ugly, and you're such an attention whore."

"Fine, be that way. I never liked you anways, you two-faced, lying lesbian piece of dogshit." I storm out of the room, but realize something important needs to be said before I end my first, and probably my last trip to the Slytherin girls dorms.

"You were always so bad at coordinating your heels with your outfit. They never matched and you look ridiculous, but nobody ever said anything because they didn't want to hurt your feelings."

And with that, I storm back up to the Gryffindor dorms, into my room, and furiously scribble Snape a note to meet me here. We have some catching up to do, but lets just say this:

Dolores Jane Umbridge, welcome to your tape.